Singular 

She realized that being herself, meant that she would be abandoned by everyone in her life.

She was just too unpredictable, too strange and too wild… 

She had to accept that her destiny was to be a lonely one… as they would all, one by one, give up the chase. 

Addendum 

I got a response from my now-ex with an attempt on his part to further explain why he ended things so abruptly / who he thought the relationship would end. 

I felt as if I had been dating myself / who I was four years ago and I just never noticed. He clearly has issues at home that he doesn’t feel he can share and he also has personal issues himself and inner turmoil especially pertaining to “being” happy – sounds familiar. 

This all really made me question some things. 

1) after talking for almost a year if we were so similar in experience why didn’t he feel that he could share it / some of it with me? Were we at such different points in our life that he just wasn’t ready or did I overwhelm him so much with my truth he didn’t feel he could add to the drama with his stresses? 

2) how did I not see that there was so much similarity or that he was hiding so much? Was I so engrossed in being happy with someone that I thought might have been a good match that I didn’t notice his pain? 

3) why is it that I tend to attract people still who clearly also have a number of issues? This is not to say that I expect someone who is perfect and has no issue in sight, but I tend to always end up in situations where things don’t work out be it friendship or relationship. 

4) what does this mean for me now? Based on conversations we had had, I had begun to look forward to possibly a new life elsewhere/ change and now the reality has begun to set in that I am back where I started – in my room. 

It is clear from our brief conversations back and forth over the past two days that this is pretty much a closed chapter. Even if things were to change for him it would take years before he probably got to a place where he would feel comfortable with what our situation was/ could have been. So I will have to accept that it was not meant to be and just forget about it. 

I am not angry, I am still a bit confused but not as much. I still feel a sense of disappointment about how things happened. But really I’m just shifting back into the blankness of being back at square one with nothing on the horizon and readjusting to life alone. 

Short lived. 

My relationship ended tonight. It had been more than six years since my boyfriend died when I’d finally decided to give being in a relationship “a try”. I knew there would be difficulties because this was a long distance relationship. 

I’m not entirely sure why we are over and to say that I am a bit confused would be an understatement … the brief conversation left me with more questions than answers. I believe though, that since I had waited so long before getting into a relationship again, I had convinced myself that this was it and it would work – despite the distance or anything else. I felt that I was the most open with this person than I had ever been with anyone else and that maybe being honest about who I was would show the “beings above” that I was really serious about giving this a proper try. 

But maybe my zeal to make things work made me blind to the reality. Maybe the signs that would have showed me that it was not going to work out were there all along but I chose to ignore them because they didn’t align with what I wanted. Maybe I pushed without realizing it for things that he was not ready for. 

A part of me is afraid as well that maybe I wanted it to work because I saw it as an escape from the life I had and the chance to have a new life- different, apart and not at all tied to this one. I saw it as a fresh start with someone. When I pictured the future I did picture us happy which to me has always been unattainable. But you never really… leave your life behind do you? 

I dont quite know how I feel right now. The whole situation happened abruptly and without any opening on his part to discuss other options or possibilities TO make it work… so I feel like he had made up his mind a long time ago and just didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t really know what to say to it either. It makes me wonder how long he knew that he was on a different page than I was and if I hadn’t brought it up, when would he have said anything? 

I think this comes back to the blog post I wrote earlier about happiness which, ironically, was right before I spoke to him. Maybe I was looking to find happiness with someone and that won’t ever really happen because I can’t find it within me. I feel disappointed but moreso in myself that I let myself get carried away in the promise of future thoughts and I was not able to see the reality in front of me. 

Searching for El Dorado – happiness 

I know happiness is supposed to come from within. Everyone tells you that… you read it everywhere… but what about if you’ve never really been happy and you don’t know if you can find that within yourself. 

Events can make me happy for a short time… relationships may also do the same… but after the initial “newness” of it ends I go back to feeling the same – emptiness. 

At this point I don’t think that after three decades it’s that I just haven’t been able to find happiness. I think that some people are just really more devoid of it than others… we are wired differently, feel differently and just see the world in a different way. 

There is no colour and there isn’t any grey area… everything is either black or white. Good or bad. No amount of lighting of candles, going for massages, exercising, reading, writing, travelling or talking about it changes the inevitable feeling of desolation that returns. 

I know no one can fill the emptiness I have had my fair share of lovers to know that. Attempts at mindfulness also don’t seem to achieve the supposed result. 

I know I’m good at not letting people know that this is how I feel all the time. But obviously – they’d worry, they’d want to try to “help”, they’d feel uncomfortable, they’d try to understand but wouldn’t be able to. I also just know that unless someone has lived with this feeling of “void” they would never understand. 

It’s probably because it’s not rational. I know it isn’t rational myself. I’ve got most of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs working for me so what IS the problem? The only thing that remains is Me and that can’t be fixed. 

Baptism 

Last weekend I went to Florida for a baptism. I was asked to be a godmother of an old school friend’s second son. 

I was surprised because it’s one of those friendships where we’ve only really seen each other three times since she moved to the states when she was sixteen, and now we are in our mid thirties. It has actually been a few years well since we even last saw each other on person (her wedding before she even had kids). She has sisters as well so it’s not that she was lacking options for choosing a godmother. 

Given my past travel experiences / staying by someone which was a horrendous first experience and I swore never to stay by anyone again, this visit was definitely one that was huge for me. Not only was I agreeing to be the godmother to someone’s child but also I was going to be staying by them for the weekend. 

I have to say aside from going Jamaica last year, which was a great experience and that friend made sure I was well taken care of, this experience was also one of the best I’ve ever had – not just in terms of travel but in general. 

They were warm, welcoming, far more hospitable that I could ever have asked, and made sure that I got in lots of shopping time even though the weekend was so busy with family and the big event itself. 

There were a couple of things that struck me this weekend. 

1) The utmost patience shown and overall amazing job of parenting my friend and her husband engaged in. It was a culture shock of course because in West Indian culture you share lix waaaaaay faster than anybody else. So to be somewhere where that is not an option was weird. But they were so attentive and reasonable with their toddler, even though obviously faced with the extra stress of everything happening – even though I am not a fan of little children – I couldn’t help but feel moved by their love and care shown to their children. 

2) I have never felt so at peace and stress free and anxiety free as I did in the moments after the baptism ceremony. The church was huge and the square footage of the land itself around the church was tantamount almost to its own continent – the place was huge- and there was a sitting area outside where you faced a statue of a pregnant Virgin Mary. Now I’m not religious per se, I suppose I am more spiritual but yes I am Catholic. But as I sat before the statue I felt such inner serenity I wished I could feel that forever though I knew it would be short lived. 

3) Her family was so… intelligent. I know that sounds weird but what I mean is that there was avid, intellectual conversation. It was not the drinking and arguing and loud drama that family gatherings tend to be like where I am from. It was so refreshing to be around a loving family who also spoke about politics and the contrasts of living in a first world country versus knowing what it was like to live in a third world country and who could agree TO disagree about issues. 

Now this is not to say I think they are perfect because no one is perfect and the duration of time was not a long one, however the experience was just… different. 

Of course I told myself I was coming back with a new mind set and I was going to be different at work and not let things bother me and I was going to try to be more at peace at home. BUT that was short lived for all of probably all of the four hours I spent on the plane flying back and then the frustration of living this life caught up with me. Back to the total nonsense of work, the addict back to his usual shit and I still didn’t win the lottery. 

I was proud however to see my friend doing so well making great strides as a wife, mother, new home owner and all round just getting this whole “adulting” process right. There are no words really to describe how touched I was that she chose me of all people to share the life experience of the baptism of her son. 

Here are some pics from the visit…

Exhibits. 

You label exhibit A as obscene 

Because her fleshy curves do not fit into the slim box that you have created 

Identical for every woman to be placed in: Dolls

You write exhibit B off as inferior 

Because her shade of brown is mixed too dark 

And does not match the pale prototype that signifies supposed beauty in a woman: Ivory 

You classify exhibit C as unwieldy 

Because she will not harness her brain 

And stay reined within the academic areas that you deem appropriate only for women:   Cookie-cutter copies

You tag exhibit D as deformed 

Because her androgyny frightens you 

With its inability to give off the lilt and angles of femininity you desire in women: Mannequins 

You brand exhibit E as blasphemous

Because her dream is not to mother carbon copies of you

And her choice of childlessness goes against your beliefs of a woman’s purpose: Assembly-Line 

You flag exhibit F as dangerous 

Because she will not submit to act in the role of the lesser sex 

And her inability to exist on a level below you threatens your role as the leading man: Performers

The corridor of exhibits meanders long, 

Winding far into the dark recesses of history.

Shadows cloak these forgotten warriors armed only with their bodies 

Who sought individually to break each and every unwanted mold created for us – Yet the factory has not been destroyed. 

We wait here… frozen… naked and bereft of life… hoping that there will be one voice loud enough to unite us to burn the concept of patriarchal stereotyping down to its very foundation and lead the mass of unwanted out into the world not as Exhibits but as Women.