Blogging started out as something carthatic got me. But like everything else after a while… it felt like all I had to blog about was my addict (cuz what else is new in my life)… or how depressed I am.
So when I tried to stop blogging about those things and try to focus on other aspects of life, I realized I don’t have any and therefore I just stopped blogging often.
I suppose I’ve been in a depressive “space” longer than usual lately. Life is still stagnant because for it to be moving it means I have to move… and I just feel stuck all the time. It’s hard to know you’re a failure at actually LIVING, when you’re supposed to be guiding youths everyday and making them feel positive and excited about their futures. I expend all my energy at work to just get by and after that I’m of no use to myself or anyone else for the rest of the day. I feel so tired everyday all the time… like physically just drained. I thank God everyday that I never had children because what would I do? I would not be able to feel exhausted and be responsible for doing things for others!
My addict is acting up again (what’s new). He got me really angry yesterday. He was extremely drunk and leaving the house (definitely to get crack) and I tried talking him out of leaving. While I’m much shorter than him, I was on a sort of step/ small incline so we were eye level. He said something that got me really pissed and tried to barge past me and without thinking I pushed him.
He didn’t fall, he stumbled (only because he was so drunk) and in that split second I had to think okay how am I escaping if he recovers and tries to get me. I was in a small space between his van and the garage wall, so I knew I could only go backwards and around the van but he definitely could not be allowed to catch me because then it would definitely be a fight to the end. He is much bigger than me and definitely much stronger so I would have to rely on just being faster.
But he was so surprised probably that I pushed him that he seemed stunned and then didn’t know what to do. Eventually he came inside bathed, ate and went to lie down. But his mind had already been made up that he was going to do crack so he ended up leaving anyway.
It was just a reminder yet again that you can’t reason with them, or push them in the direction you want or save them from themselves. They will do what they want to do. This week it felt like … well why don’t I just drink or do drugs or whatever I want ? Maybe then I might be happy … he is… if anything he’s the only person in this house who’s happy.
But every year is the same thing and nothing changes he doesn’t change we don’t change this doesn’t change. Everyone else is moving ahead in life and doing all of these great things… and I’m just going to work everyday, coming home and cussing about the shit going on IN work and having to deal with the shit going on AT home.
I’m going to see a mental health counselor next week but I’ve been to some before and it never really made a real difference. So I don’t expect anything really this time either… but the person was recommended by my sponsor so I decided to give it a try since I trust him.
I’ve had so much anxiety and stress for the past three months I wake up every night around 2-3 am now with the excruciating stomach pain I used to get years ago which continues off and on throughout the day. Makes no sense seeing a doctor I spend thousand years ago to do procedures for them to just tell me – it’s stress and we can’t help you. So I’m not even bothering this time in just trying to see if it phases out eventually since stress in particular seems to affect my stomach or give me migraines.
I don’t think it’s ever possible to really explain to someone how you feel. When ppl ask how are you going or how are you today I just ignore the question and ask THEM another question instead. Ppl like to talk about themselves so I’ve found that 99% of the time that works and hardly ever so they ask me again in the conversation how am I doing. Which… I don’t mind. Because I feel like I would just be repeating myself anyway about how much I hate living and who wants to hear that anyway?