Those haunting hours
Late at night when all your thoughts
Consume you – panic.
Those haunting hours
Late at night when all your thoughts
Consume you – panic.
I find I’m being overwhelmed by the urge to write. But I don’t know what I want to write. I know I’ve always wanted to be a writer / publish work but it’s always been an idea. Lately I just feel like I SHOULD be writing something yet I am not sure what the medium would be … drama, poetry, prose… or what to do with it even if I got it done…
I know the main thing about being a writer means that you have to actually write. But then… is it writing just to purge yourself of the idea that unrelentingly encompasses our thoughts? Is it writing to have actual readers? Is it writing to have a message?
Geographical location also makes it a bit tricky. Within the caribbean everything is expected to be … caribbean. Meaning… the Postcolonial type/ search for identity/ living on a small island experience. It’s only when writers leave and live in other places that diversity in thematic content seems to be more likely to be accepted. Experimentation is limited once you’re still writing from the island.
I’m not even sure I want to be a writer “for life”. You can’t make a living on writing here… few people achieve that “epic” status. Readers are also getting few and far between as well… which begs the question would I even have an audience.
I’ve just been mulling over a lot of things but I’ve found the act of sitting down to write has not happened… so maybe I am not ready just yet… but I hope one day I will be.
Maybe he just thought
An island girl for some time
Would help calm his mind…
Having to accept
That I was left behind to
Guard empty spaces…
My island happens to be very far south in the Caribbean and we are not generally affected by major storms/ hurricanes. However a system formed just off to the south of us a few days ago and last night we experienced a tropical storm, our first in decades.
During the day was fairly still without much breeze and the animals were all quiet. The sun was out but you could tell that there was something different about the day. When the rain started to fall in the evening, it was an onslaught.
Usually these types of storms veer away from us just in time if they even form at all so a lot of people tend not to take news reports seriously. Parties were still happening, bars and business places were open and there was not an overall concern by the public until much later in the evening when it was clear that this storm was definitely coming. This realization led to panic buying of fuel, bread and other items.
However the fearful nature of the storm did not stop people from creating twitter handles as if they were THE storm, galvanize roofing and even God all in online banter about the impending events of the night.
All throughout the night the rain intensified though luckily enough for my area we did not get exceptionally heavy wind. By midnight, electricity was gone and we waited just over eight hours before it came back. The rain lasted all night until morning and even throughout today we have been getting sporadic showers.
I was concerned about whether the dog house would withstand the rain and wind, whether the neighbour’s avocado tree would contribute to stand and about my roof / the roofs of the meighbours. Luckily all withstood the rains of the night.
My home/ area did not suffer flooding thankfully but southern parts of the island experienced major flooding. Many trees were uprooted from the wind and blocked roadways, pulled down poles and wiring and caused major damage to buildings.
All schools were closed to day, banks and many businesses as well. Clean up has begun in many of the flood prone areas. As an island you would think we would be prepared for major flooding but we are not. A 20 minute downpour of rain usually causes major flooding within the capital, so this type of extensive rainfall is disastrous. We suffer from improper drainage, a lack of cleaning/ dredging of water ways and a general malaise with regard to cutting down on polluting.
Things should be back to a closer sense of normalcy by tomorrow but many people will be suffering from the water damage to their homes and appliances. I hope that this experience guides both the government as well as civilians to be better prepared in the event of another such storm.
Today is Sunday. No it’s not Father’s Day to me, and I don’t know why people keep asking me what am I doing today because what WOULD I be doing today?
I don’t have a father. I have a man who lives in the same house as me that is supposedly a biological male parent. I no longer consider him a father and it’s been decade since last I have thought that he was.
He is not a part of this family. He eats and sleeps here. The rest of his time he spends drinking and doing crack. I don’t see why I must pretend like every other day of life does not happen and all my anxiety and stress which is attributed to him doesn’t exist just because people SAY today is “Father’s Day”.
I am so fed up of life in this house because of him. You never know what kind of day it’s going to be, if he going or coming, what condition he will be in or how much money he will be owing to drug dealers and bars in the area AGAIN.
I wish he would leave and never return. If I never see him again in life it would be too soon. I just think it is a waste of time and energy to continually try to be “supportive” to someone who does not want help, refuses to go to rehab or call members from any meeting and makes no attempt on their own to change.
He has a comfortable life that cannot really be changed. There are no laws in this country to get him out of the home or send him to a rehab as a mandatory occupant and he has no plans of leaving on his own and why would he. Here is a house with food, water, a bed and all the amenities that he doesn’t pay for. He can’t afford BOTH drugs and paying for a place so why would he leave.
I have so many friends who have lost their dads to cancer and all sorts of things, and they are sorrowful and wishing to have their fathers back because they were apparently so great. Why did their dads die and they were so loved and missed by many? It makes no sense. The ones who doing absolutely nothing with their lives and just causing total chaos in their families’ lives till they are so old that you then have to end up spending money on them to make THEIR life comfortable after they have destroyed yours.
There is nothing more to be done with him again. After a decade of this same situation over and over and over again it is never going to change.
He is not getting a cent from me I know that. I rather die and donate it all to the dog pound once my mother is not alive to get it.
I want him GONE. For good.
Today I took a detour due to traffic and ended up near to a store I had always said I would visit, but never actually got to. It’s a type of wellness store… it sells oils and incense and crystals. I’ve never bought crystals before but I’d always heard of people having them.
I went in and got some lavender oil and some green tea incense, as well as an anti- stress incense. I asked about the crystals and the owner gave me a general explanation and told me if I liked, to go to each one and let them speak to me – without looking at the cards to see what each of them were.
I ended up choosing eleven of them out of the 70 or so types that were there. She then went through each of them with me explaining the ones I chose.
I didn’t choose anything pertaining to needing confidence or centering of femininity / solar plexus type stones. I chose stones more related to needing help with communication and having a hurt heart from the crown, third eye and throat. When she went through them all I was surprised at how much the crystals I chose really seemed to reflect me at the moment.
I am obviously frustrated with work as usual and having to work in a department which does not function as a group. I know I have many doubts about having chosen to go back in a relationship after so many years, and then have it end the way it did and me feeling as if maybe I didn’t know the person very well at all though I liked him. I am trying hard to find some sort of grounding so that even if I am not necessarily ever happy or at peace I have a semblance of it…
I liked the store and I am sure I will go back at some point again soon to see what else I may come across there that might “speak” to me…
These are the crystals I chose today