My sponsor suggested that I start back doing steps… I’d abandoned it for almost two years . I made my amends with people before I stopped… and I was stuck on whether I could or should make amends to my addict.
But there was one person I also couldn’t make amends to because she is dead. My friend J died of lupus one year after my boyfriend. It was a long suffering illness whereby she eventually just lived in the hospital for months before she died.
I had emotionally checked out after boyfriend died… I had already dealt with his best friend dying the year before, my uncles murder a few months before he died and then right after he died, J got sick… really sick.
She had been really sick before though and had gotten better. So, part of me just thought … she’ll get better like before. Another part of me, a bigger part, felt like I didn’t want to face it. Not another person, not another loss… and it wasn’t quick…
I never went to see her in the hospital. I talked to her on the phone all the time but I never went to see her. I didn’t want to see what she had become moreso because I selfishly didn’t want to deal with it. Facing her in real life would be acknowledging that she was sick and I was going to lose someone, again.
Months went by. I didn’t see her until he funeral and by then she didnt look anything like herself. Medication and having her kidneys give out made her almost twice the size she had been the last time I saw her.
I don’t like to think of J. The same way I don’t think about the rest of them. I don’t reminiscent about the times we had, all of that was a past life dead to me now.
But I do wish I had gone to see her… to let her know that I valued it friendship and how much she was there for me after my boyfriend died.
I think she’s on my mind recently because my good friend’s husband is now very ill … possibly dying as well. He has bone marrow cancer… his kidneys have failed… his lungs are filled with fluid and he has already gone through one cardiac arrest. While you would think I should be able to relate because obviously I’ve lost someone too… my boyfriend’s death was quick and sudden (just the way he wanted it). It was not this long suffering, painful struggle of surgery after surgery with medication upon medication.
I feel like I am failing my friend now because I am not there with her (her husband is in hospital in another country), but I’m also not THERE with her. I know no one could have told me anything I wanted to hear when my boyfriend died … and I feel much the same way now in that I am helpless and can’t tell her anything that will truly feel better. All my words feel empty. She and I have worked together everyday for 12 years so I guess you can say she’s like a best friend.
I feel like I am still trying to think logically about the situation probably because I want her to be “prepared” (though I know one can’t really BE prepared) for the worst. I want her to be strong for her two small children… but I want her to be positive still and not abandon hope because who knows … maybe miracles can happen? But I feel right now she doesn’t need a logical person she needs quiet? An empathetic person? A listener? I’m not sure… and I’m not sure that I AM that person.
I feel that I’ve felt so much loss and pain that now it’s so expected (life sucks), I can’t really connect with people the way I should or know what I should say when they’re in the throes of that pain and anguish…
But… J, I am sorry for not being there for you. I loved you and I appreciated the friendship that you extended to me in your time here. And T, I’m here maybe not in the way I need to be, but I love you and I wish I could take the pain away because I know how it feels and there’s nothing anyone can say or do right now that will help ease the angst or the guilt and could’ve/ would’ve/ should’ve’s that you may feel right now. This was not a situation anyone could have predicted much less prepared for. So this one’s for the two people who were better friends to me that I could be to them…