I got a response from my now-ex with an attempt on his part to further explain why he ended things so abruptly / who he thought the relationship would end.
I felt as if I had been dating myself / who I was four years ago and I just never noticed. He clearly has issues at home that he doesn’t feel he can share and he also has personal issues himself and inner turmoil especially pertaining to “being” happy – sounds familiar.
This all really made me question some things.
1) after talking for almost a year if we were so similar in experience why didn’t he feel that he could share it / some of it with me? Were we at such different points in our life that he just wasn’t ready or did I overwhelm him so much with my truth he didn’t feel he could add to the drama with his stresses?
2) how did I not see that there was so much similarity or that he was hiding so much? Was I so engrossed in being happy with someone that I thought might have been a good match that I didn’t notice his pain?
3) why is it that I tend to attract people still who clearly also have a number of issues? This is not to say that I expect someone who is perfect and has no issue in sight, but I tend to always end up in situations where things don’t work out be it friendship or relationship.
4) what does this mean for me now? Based on conversations we had had, I had begun to look forward to possibly a new life elsewhere/ change and now the reality has begun to set in that I am back where I started – in my room.
It is clear from our brief conversations back and forth over the past two days that this is pretty much a closed chapter. Even if things were to change for him it would take years before he probably got to a place where he would feel comfortable with what our situation was/ could have been. So I will have to accept that it was not meant to be and just forget about it.
I am not angry, I am still a bit confused but not as much. I still feel a sense of disappointment about how things happened. But really I’m just shifting back into the blankness of being back at square one with nothing on the horizon and readjusting to life alone.