My relationship ended tonight. It had been more than six years since my boyfriend died when I’d finally decided to give being in a relationship “a try”. I knew there would be difficulties because this was a long distance relationship.
I’m not entirely sure why we are over and to say that I am a bit confused would be an understatement … the brief conversation left me with more questions than answers. I believe though, that since I had waited so long before getting into a relationship again, I had convinced myself that this was it and it would work – despite the distance or anything else. I felt that I was the most open with this person than I had ever been with anyone else and that maybe being honest about who I was would show the “beings above” that I was really serious about giving this a proper try.
But maybe my zeal to make things work made me blind to the reality. Maybe the signs that would have showed me that it was not going to work out were there all along but I chose to ignore them because they didn’t align with what I wanted. Maybe I pushed without realizing it for things that he was not ready for.
A part of me is afraid as well that maybe I wanted it to work because I saw it as an escape from the life I had and the chance to have a new life- different, apart and not at all tied to this one. I saw it as a fresh start with someone. When I pictured the future I did picture us happy which to me has always been unattainable. But you never really… leave your life behind do you?
I dont quite know how I feel right now. The whole situation happened abruptly and without any opening on his part to discuss other options or possibilities TO make it work… so I feel like he had made up his mind a long time ago and just didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t really know what to say to it either. It makes me wonder how long he knew that he was on a different page than I was and if I hadn’t brought it up, when would he have said anything?
I think this comes back to the blog post I wrote earlier about happiness which, ironically, was right before I spoke to him. Maybe I was looking to find happiness with someone and that won’t ever really happen because I can’t find it within me. I feel disappointed but moreso in myself that I let myself get carried away in the promise of future thoughts and I was not able to see the reality in front of me.