Searching for El Dorado – happiness 

I know happiness is supposed to come from within. Everyone tells you that… you read it everywhere… but what about if you’ve never really been happy and you don’t know if you can find that within yourself. 

Events can make me happy for a short time… relationships may also do the same… but after the initial “newness” of it ends I go back to feeling the same – emptiness. 

At this point I don’t think that after three decades it’s that I just haven’t been able to find happiness. I think that some people are just really more devoid of it than others… we are wired differently, feel differently and just see the world in a different way. 

There is no colour and there isn’t any grey area… everything is either black or white. Good or bad. No amount of lighting of candles, going for massages, exercising, reading, writing, travelling or talking about it changes the inevitable feeling of desolation that returns. 

I know no one can fill the emptiness I have had my fair share of lovers to know that. Attempts at mindfulness also don’t seem to achieve the supposed result. 

I know I’m good at not letting people know that this is how I feel all the time. But obviously – they’d worry, they’d want to try to “help”, they’d feel uncomfortable, they’d try to understand but wouldn’t be able to. I also just know that unless someone has lived with this feeling of “void” they would never understand. 

It’s probably because it’s not rational. I know it isn’t rational myself. I’ve got most of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs working for me so what IS the problem? The only thing that remains is Me and that can’t be fixed. 

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