Addict Journals cont’d 

Addicts can be so predictable at times. Since much of their addiction is cyclical, if you live with one you can see signs before they go on a binge. 

I find the predictability of my addict pathetic to be honest. It’s the end of the month so time for pension and once hea about to get money you know he’s going to go on some kind of binge. 

I could already see the signs for this latest stint since yesterday morning. She was going to buy something from the shop down the road and he tried to start an argument about the top she was wearing – as in why are you wearing that to go to the shop. 

My addict is a combination of things because aside from being an addict he’s also a typical abuser in that he’s been very good at separating her from friends and family over the years. She has no friends that she goes out with or talks to on a regular basis. Anyone that she happens to talk to he will find a way to start an argument about it. 

This morning he started with another argument that the men who we hired to come to do work on the house stole some things that belong to him. These men work whole day and within your sight at all times and they’ve done major work on our home three times – one even within my bedroom because I had my bathroom redone – and nothing was ever missing. 

But really these are all arguments he’s trying to start to find an excuse to disappear for the day and do what he really wants to do which is to drink / probably use crack. It’s so obvious it’s passé. I think I rather you just say I gone and go and skip all the preamble. 

It’s almost a decade now of exactly the same behavior over and over. Every time they go on vacation or do anything in fact on a day to day basis she has to pay because he doesn’t have a cent. All of his money goes to the people he owes for alcohol and drugs and he’s waaaaay up on his internet right now and I’m sure he’s racking up another bill today. 

As more time goes by I just see a pathetic, little person…  I can’t even really say “man”. I suppose I should feel sorry for him but I don’t even feel that… maybe because I know he’s too smart and I don’t believe he’s wholly in the throes of his addiction. He knows WHAT he should do – call people from a meeting, find a sponsor, go in to a rehab. He knows what all the readings have to say about addiction and what an addict could do to get a handle on their situation.  

A lot of it is that he does what he WANTS to do because he knows there aren’t any real consequences. When he’s not using it’s really because he just has no money TO use. He’s selfish and has no regard for what his actions do to anyone else and thats really why I have no respect for him. 


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