I am home alone for the long weekend, thankfully. I am addict free for a whole five days. I don’t have to worry about where he is, what he is doing, if he is coming back, how much money has he spent, what condition is he in, what is he going to steal – nothing. So you would think this would be the best weekend EVER…
But being alone does not mean that I am devoid of anxiety. When I am alone like this it makes me realize just how fearful I became of “life” over the years… and I’m not even sure when that began or got so bad. Once I’m home alone I basically lock myself inside the house and I don’t come out. Aside from letting the dogs out into the yard every could of hours I don’t leave my room. I tend not to cook either I would just microwave whatever I needed to.
I’m fearful of an intruder somehow getting in. I am fearful of leaving the stove on. I am fearful of just random things in general… I can barely comprehend how people live on their own and get by doing things daily. I am paranoid and feel like something will happen to me if I leave the confines of my room and paranoia is very draining. Your mind just fixates on things and plays it over and over on repeat.
On the first day I was very anxious but then it got better after the next day went by. But today my aunt visited for a few hours then left. I don’t know if it was because I had social interaction interrupt the aloneness, but after she left it was like I was back at the start of my anxiety all over again. I felt very unsettled.
This also then emphasized just how alone I have become in general. I scroll through my contacts on my phone and there are barely three that I might feel to message. Over the last year or so I’ve managed to alienate myself even more from the small group of people I had in my “circle”.
My birthday is in two days time and I have absolutely no plans. I don’t feel to see anyone… it’s like I can’t even decide if I feel for anyone’s company and who that person should be so I’m just not doing anything at all. Usually my birthday week is a week where I go to a different place for lunch or dinner everyday… but not this time. I haven’t even really had much of an appetite in general anyway over the past month or so and I know I’ve lost some weight because of it.
I’ve given up on the idea of being interested ever again in social interactions in a group setting – by group I mean anything more than 3 people myself included – I know that is not for me. But I have anxiety about so many other random things now that unless I’m at one of my jobs I just stay in bed. I find it very hard to get out of bed.