I am home alone for the long weekend, thankfully. I am addict free for a whole five days. I don’t have to worry about where he is, what he is doing, if he is coming back, how much money has he spent, what condition is he in, what is he going to steal – nothing. So you would think this would be the best weekend EVER…
But being alone does not mean that I am devoid of anxiety. When I am alone like this it makes me realize just how fearful I became of “life” over the years… and I’m not even sure when that began or got so bad. Once I’m home alone I basically lock myself inside the house and I don’t come out. Aside from letting the dogs out into the yard every could of hours I don’t leave my room. I tend not to cook either I would just microwave whatever I needed to.
I’m fearful of an intruder somehow getting in. I am fearful of leaving the stove on. I am fearful of just random things in general… I can barely comprehend how people live on their own and get by doing things daily. I am paranoid and feel like something will happen to me if I leave the confines of my room and paranoia is very draining. Your mind just fixates on things and plays it over and over on repeat.
On the first day I was very anxious but then it got better after the next day went by. But today my aunt visited for a few hours then left. I don’t know if it was because I had social interaction interrupt the aloneness, but after she left it was like I was back at the start of my anxiety all over again. I felt very unsettled.
This also then emphasized just how alone I have become in general. I scroll through my contacts on my phone and there are barely three that I might feel to message. Over the last year or so I’ve managed to alienate myself even more from the small group of people I had in my “circle”.
My birthday is in two days time and I have absolutely no plans. I don’t feel to see anyone… it’s like I can’t even decide if I feel for anyone’s company and who that person should be so I’m just not doing anything at all. Usually my birthday week is a week where I go to a different place for lunch or dinner everyday… but not this time. I haven’t even really had much of an appetite in general anyway over the past month or so and I know I’ve lost some weight because of it.
I’ve given up on the idea of being interested ever again in social interactions in a group setting – by group I mean anything more than 3 people myself included – I know that is not for me. But I have anxiety about so many other random things now that unless I’m at one of my jobs I just stay in bed. I find it very hard to get out of bed.
A tragic hero always has a flaw. In the case of Brutus, his rigid belief in honour meant that he assumed that all of the other conspirators believed in the same purpose (saving Rome) as he did. In the case of Okonkwo he also was guilty of rigidity and an inability to adapt or change when the missionaries came and introduced a new religion (Christianity).
Rigidity is definitely a major flaw that I have. While it can at times be a trait that holds merit, I know that I have expectations that people would be as conscientious or intent as I am about certain things. Every end of term there is a deadline of putting in term / exam marks that is systematically NOT met by other members of staff. I am always on time – well I am always earlier than the deadline – yet many of them go days past the deadline. The fact that they are late is bad enough but probably the bigger issue is that they don’t say that they cannot meet the deadline / inform anyone. So when I go to write comments BASED on the marks – surprise surprise – there aren’t any marks to comment on.
Being late with marks then means that they are impacting upon MY PRODUCTIVITY and that is where the problem grows and me losing my temper begins, because I then see this as provacation. I continually say if you know you will be late SAY SOMETHING yet they do not, so I then see it as a concerted effort on their part to GET me vexed. Today a colleague suggested that I adjust to the fact that people will always never meet their deadlines and that I should not get angry about it because their behavior will never change.
But I know this is an impossibility for me. There are certain fundamental aspects of my job that I do not compromise – I am not late, I do not miss deadlines, I do not leave my syllabus incomplete / unfinished and the like. I want to know that there is nothing more I could have done for any class when the year comes to an end.
While others not meeting the end of term deadline is not a big deal to most, it is something that continues to IRK me. It is irresponsible. Moreso because those same people will then go into meetings and complain about students not meeting deadlines when you yourself cannot meet your own! So then I see them as hypocritical. Aside from which, I find it disrespectful that we are all in the same place everyday and there is no common courtesy for any of them to at least say / leave a post it note even stating that they are running behind time.
Maybe I am “old school” in some respects. But to me these “little” things are what add to the general indiscipline in the world. Unfortunately I hold these people to the same standard that I have for myself when I suppose I should have no expectation about their behavior since we are all different and what is important to me may not be as important to them.
However I cannot see myself giving up my sense of rigidity… I shall have to die knowing that it was my flaw.