I’ve always felt like if I could I would’ve given my spot here to someone else. I’ve never really felt like I “loved” life…and not because I’ve had a “terrible” life. I mean yes things could have been better but it could also have been way worse.
I think I will never know what my purpose here is… and I feel guilty about that because I had had a NUMBER of near death experiences over the years that I’ve survived that makes me feel like – clearly I’m supposed to be here for something.. but what is it? What if I never find out and then it’s all for nothing?
Something happened to me today that made me think of some of these experiences…
1) One of my earliest traumatic memories was when I was five and a freak incident happened when I was on the beach with my grandfather. Fishermen pulled in a seine and there was a huge sting ray in it and they tried to dislodge its tail bone by hitting at it at an angle with a cricket bat. The tail dislodged but the force caused it to literally fly through the air and lodge itself into my grandfathers abdomen three to four inches deep. Seconds before I had been standing in front of him and if I had not moved it could easily have gone straight through my skull and I surely would have been dead. My grandfather eventually had to be moved to two hospitals before having surgery to remove surrounding flesh and get the bone out a day later which we still have as a random souvenir along with the newspaper report.
2) I was with someone on our way to buy rims for a car at midday on a major roadway in a hilly area – only two lanes and a tight fit. A van suddenly overtook us and pulled to block the front of the car of us and another car pulled up alongside us and boxed the car in front of us as well as our car in. The windows to the van were opened and huge machine guns came out and started raining bullets on the car in front of us. The men from the car in front exited and were running toward our car with bullets following. The person I was with and myself ran from our car and lay in the bushes till the gunfire was over. Apparently the anti-kidnapping squad was on a tipoff that there were kidnappers in the car in front of us and decided to carry out a sting operation which we happened to be caught in the middle of. We had to step over dead bodies to get back to our car.
3) I went to meet a friend for sushi and had parked my car along a roadway since the restaurant parking lot was full. I took off the car and headlights and ducked down into the passenger side to get my handbag. When I looked up I noticed a car pull up right up behind me which I thought was odd because that meant it was blocking a gateway. A guy got out and ducking low starting running alongside the passenger side of my car so I moved to turn on my car as he neared my backdoor and he yelled to the driver of the car he had exited “someone’s in the car” to which the driver responded “leave it leave it”. The guy ran and got back into the car and they sped off. That was my first experience of nearly having my car stolen luckily they didn’t want to carry out a full on car jacking.
4) I had a serious staph infection (that could have been potentially fatal) that I battled for almost a year. I went from doctor to doctor until finally a dermatologist was able to diagnose me properly and I had to be on medication for six months (4-6 tablets a day) to kill it. I am still very wary of places that I may pick up the staph germ especially hospitals and seawater that may be polluted. It’s quite gross because you have these huge boils of pus and it leaves very bad scarring. It took years to minimize the scar damage and I missed almost a whole semester of university classes because of it, luckily it didn’t keep me from graduating.
5) A few months back I left work at midday with a friend who was driving her van and we picked up a random skid on the major roadway in town. Her van pulled and brought us to a stop diagonally across three lanes of traffic. There were literally three lanes of cars mere feet away facing us looking as stupefied as we were. Any of them could have hit us – them head on – straight into the side of us – and it would have been all over for sure when all we wanted to do was go buy KFC for lunch.
These are just a few of the random situations I have found myself in over my thirty plus years here. I have gotten out of situations that have often defied logic and so it makes me feel that there has to be some reason that I’m being kept around…
The instance today which made this all come to mind was not even as crazy as some of what has happened to me already. Crime in this country has reached the point of no return and crime against women in particular is at a breaking point.
This afternoon at 3 pm I was driving in our town environs with my windows up (something Ive only adopted in the last few years) when a car load of men pulled up alongside. The driver kept pointing to my back tire and motioning for me to get out and “check it” I had what we call “a bad feeling” about the situation and instead I sped down some side streets and only when I was sure I had lost them I got out my car and checked all around – there was nothing wrong with my tires or anything else. I got back in and drove to my destination and checked again and still my car was totally fine.
This is one such instance where men take advantage of the idea a woman will feel a man knows better about their car and feel worried / inclined to get out and then they are car jacked or kidnapped which is a norm in this country. I’m a woman always driving alone and I’m barely 120 pounds wet so I would make an easy target. While it wasn’t an overt threat it was an obvious attempt in broad daylight in an area that was not even deserted.
This makes me feel even worse when so much of the time I just don’t feel to be here or like life makes any sense. There is so much crime and violence and hate… why do people even go on? I feel like I need to find my sense of purpose so that it would all have meaning and not let down whoever is my clearly overworked guardian angel up there…