I think for a moment that I wanted change so badly that I convinced myself that my life was changing. But after the initial couple of months I’ve found myself back to the usual state.
The last few days especially have been very low and I’ve been in a mood. I’ve gone back to feeling very empty and like there’s no purpose to every day.
I think to some extent I also put too much faith too early on into having decided to try to be in a relationship (even though it is a long distance one). In my mind because I had made (to me) such a huge decision to get back into a “relationship” after almost seven years, I tried to convince myself that this was definitely it – it had to work … because I made such a step.
Of course reality is much different from what you “want”. It’s a long distance situation where three months has already gone by since last I’ve seen the person and no set plan yet as to when next I will see them. At first I could comfort myself in the “idea” that I was actually having a major change in life. But really… it’s not that different to what things were before when I had no one because it’s not as if the person IS there. Now I wonder if I got too excited too soon and jinxed it.
In meeting / your sponsor always reminds you about the cardinal rule of no expectation no disappointment and it is a rule that I have always broken and still cannot seem to really master in life – be it with friends or lovers or family. I just always have expectations of people… that they will be straightforward or loyal or honest or sober or whatever the situation calls for.
But you can’t control anyone. You can only control yourself. That said, that makes being in a supposed relationship even harder because can you really go into a relationship of any kind with no expectations?…
Aside from which… there’s always just everything else… the usual stressors that fill the space… and I’ve gone back to wondering if this is all there is and if it IS all there is… will it ever be enough…
Today I felt like I had gone back to where I was five years ago… going movies alone… driving alone… feeling alone. Going movies by myself was one of the things I did continuously after my boyfriend died because it was the few hours where I wouldn’t have to think – just be immersed in some story line for a few hours… today was very much like I used to feel back then – like I don’t belong here and I’m just always going to be an outsider looking in at life.