I’ve had quite a few near death experiences… 

I’ve always felt like if I could I would’ve given my spot here to someone else. I’ve never really felt like I “loved” life…and not because I’ve had a “terrible” life. I mean yes things could have been better but it could also have been way worse. 

I think I will never know what my purpose here is… and I feel guilty about that because I had had a NUMBER of near death experiences over the years that I’ve survived that makes me feel like – clearly I’m supposed to be here for something.. but what is it? What if I never find out and then it’s all for nothing? 

Something happened to me today that made me think of some of these experiences…

1) One of my earliest traumatic memories was when I was five and a freak incident happened when I was on the beach with my grandfather. Fishermen pulled in a seine and there was a huge sting ray in it and they tried to dislodge its tail bone by hitting at it at an angle with a cricket bat. The tail dislodged but the force caused it to literally fly through the air and lodge itself into my grandfathers abdomen three to four inches deep. Seconds before I had been standing in front of him and if I had not moved it could easily have gone straight through my skull and I surely would have been dead. My grandfather eventually had to be moved to two hospitals before having surgery to remove surrounding flesh and get the bone out a day later which we still have as a random souvenir along with the newspaper report. 

2) I was with someone on our way to buy rims for a car at midday on a major roadway in a hilly area – only two lanes and a tight fit. A van suddenly overtook us and pulled to block the front of the car of us and another car pulled up alongside us and boxed the car in front of us as well as our car in. The windows to the van were opened and huge machine guns came out and started raining bullets on the car in front of us. The men from the car in front exited and were running toward our car with bullets following. The person I was with and myself ran from our car and lay in the bushes till the gunfire was over. Apparently the anti-kidnapping squad was on a tipoff that there were kidnappers in the car in front of us and decided to carry out a sting operation which we happened to be caught in the middle of. We had to step over dead bodies to get back to our car. 

3) I went to meet a friend for sushi and had parked my car along a roadway since the restaurant parking lot was full. I took off the car and headlights and ducked down into the passenger side to get my handbag. When I looked up I noticed a car pull up right up behind me which I thought was odd because that meant it was blocking a gateway. A guy got out and ducking low starting running alongside the passenger side of my car so I moved to turn on my car as he neared my backdoor and he yelled to the driver of the car he had exited “someone’s in the car” to which the driver responded “leave it leave it”. The guy ran and got back into the car and they sped off. That was my first experience of nearly having my car stolen luckily they didn’t want to carry out a full on car jacking. 

4) I had a serious staph infection (that could have been potentially fatal) that I battled for almost a year. I went from doctor to doctor until finally a dermatologist was able to diagnose me properly and I had to be on medication for six months (4-6 tablets a day) to kill it. I am still very wary of places that I may pick up the staph germ especially hospitals and seawater that may be polluted. It’s quite gross because you have these huge boils of pus and it leaves very bad scarring. It took years to minimize the scar damage and I missed almost a whole semester of university classes because of it, luckily it didn’t keep me from graduating. 

5) A few months back I left work at midday with a friend who was driving her van and we picked up a random skid on the major roadway in town. Her van pulled and brought us to a stop diagonally across three lanes of traffic. There were literally three lanes of cars mere feet away facing us looking as stupefied as we were. Any of them could have hit us – them head on – straight into the side of us – and it would have been all over for sure when all we wanted to do was go buy KFC for lunch. 

These are just a few of the random situations I have found myself in over my thirty plus years here. I have gotten out of situations that have often defied logic and so it makes me feel that there has to be some reason that I’m being kept around… 

The instance today which made this all come to mind was not even as crazy as some of what has happened to me already. Crime in this country has reached the point of no return and crime against women in particular is at a breaking point. 

This afternoon at 3 pm I was driving in our town environs with my windows up (something Ive only adopted in the last few years) when a car load of men pulled up alongside. The driver kept pointing to my back tire and motioning for me to get out and “check it” I had what we call “a bad feeling” about the situation and instead I sped down some side streets and only when I was sure I had lost them I got out my car and checked all around – there was nothing wrong with my tires or anything else. I got back in and drove to my destination and checked again and still my car was totally fine. 

This is one such instance where men take advantage of the idea a woman will feel a  man knows better about their car and feel worried / inclined to get out and then they are car jacked or kidnapped which is a norm in this country. I’m a woman always driving alone and I’m barely 120 pounds wet so I would make an easy target. While it wasn’t an overt threat it was an obvious attempt in broad daylight in an area that was not even deserted. 

This makes me feel even worse when so much of the time I just don’t feel to be here or like life makes any sense. There is so much crime and violence and hate… why do people even go on? I feel like I need to find my sense of purpose so that it would all have meaning and not let down whoever is my clearly overworked guardian angel up there… 

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It always comes back to Anger. 

I have definitely regressed in terms of my everyday behavior and emotions. 

I am angry everyday. Everyday. Today was one of those days where it seemed everyone and everything was set on pissing me off. From the time I got to work and saw some jackass parked in my spot I KNEW it was going to be one of those days.  

I left work early and was home at a decent time but I was just still generally angry about the day. That’s not a good sign at all because it really has been a long time since I’ve been in this space. 

And it’s really something that has probably been going on since the beginning of the year. I was supposed to have started back the daily challenge of writing one good thing that happens to you a day… I only just remembered and went to the book and my last entry was sometime at the end of January. It’s now almost the end of March.. almost two months has gone by and at NO point did I remember to go back to that book and write anything in it. 

I knew I was really off balance this week and I went for a massage on Monday and had sushi with my cousin yesterday but… I know that wasn’t enough based on the day that I had today and how unsettled I feel now.

I just haven’t felt to do anything… I mean yes I’m going to work and I have this new show so I have performances like crazy… but it’s like I know I have to do things and literally can’t bring myself to do it… I know I should exercise or I should try some kind of meditation… I literally just lit a lavender candle because I couldn’t remember when last I even did that. 

I considered going away next week because it’s a technical long weekend here but flight prices are ridiculous at the moment. But I know I have to figure out a way to regain some sort of center, because the feeling low coupled now with the anger is definitely going to take my right back to where I was before.

I dont know why it’s always so hard for me to be like everyone else and just be happy with life. 

No pivotal moment in sight… 

I feel like I’m always going to be waiting for that life changing event that will make you a “better” person. 

Some people meet the “one” or maybe it’s that they have children… maybe they find God… 

It’s not that I haven’t had “pivotal” moments in my life that should bring about change. I have had many. But… the feeling comes and goes just as quickly and whenever I think this is it – I’m going to be a different (improved) me… it turns out I’m really JUST me still. 

I suppose I don’t know what I’m looking for and that’s why I haven’t found whatever it is. While I know you have to make yourself happy and that change begins with the self I just haven’t been able to effect that change and successfully rid myself of all of my grievous flaws. 

I feel like it’s never going to happen and I’m just going to remain the way I am… which is quite disappointing. 

24 hours can change your life… 

24 hours ago I was in the same place I am now – in bed – but feeling vastly different. I was feeling so depressed I don’t think there were even words to describe it at the time. That feeling wasn’t because of any one thing or any number of things. 

I decided not to go to work today not only because of the mood I was in, but also because it would have been too physically demanding today on my lower back. I was finally forced (by pain) to take pain killers which I had been able to shun for the past two weeks. 

I tried to get a massage with my usual person but she was booked and decided to try someone else who was highly recommended by a friend. It turned out to be the best decision I had made in a long time. It was exactly the kind of massage therapy I needed at the moment and really made a difference in alleviating the discomfort. It would sound strange to say I made a sort of connection with the massage therapist but essentially that is what it was. 

Later on I got called to go a reading for a new show which I really wasn’t initially supposed to be called for. I went to it and it’s supposed to open next weekend so all of a sudden I’m thrown back into rehearsal from tomorrow straight until then. Three of us actors however were already booked to do another show week after next week but with some manoeuvering the two producers managed to work it out and swap some dates and everyone will be happy and have their actors. It just seemed like the theatre gods were on the job today. 

Lastly and probably the main thing that happened was … I got some kind of resolution about my trip. For the last few months I have been trying to plan to go see my boyfriend where he lived (far), yet nothing seemed concretized… mainly because he wasn’t giving me any definite answers everything was very vague. Of course with people like me, my personality is one where if you don’t communicate I will do all the thinking and over thinking in place of that lack of communication. 

The last few days had been especially hard because I had begin to really immerse myself in negative thoughts concerning where we may/ may not be. I had reached the conclusion maybe he wanted to end things or had found someone else and did not know how to say so. 

Finally talk we spoke more about it and while yes there are a few issues to deal with it didn’t relate to me or us specifically at all. He said that while the plan had been for me to visit if I would kind if he came down instead and I come up in summer. My thing is, I don’t care WHAT country we are in if we are spending time with each other.

I don’t know if maybe he thought he would be disappointing me if he said don’t visit just yet but if he is willing to visit instead for now, I’m fine with that. Plus it would work out since clearly I now booked to do shows from now till I’m dead at this rate. 

The positivity of the morning that started when I went for my massage somehow kept on throughout the day. I feel far less anxious and upset than I did just a mere few hours ago. This is not to say I don’t think I may feel the same way again (depressed) soon, but I needed the day to lighten up and thankfully the beings or forces out there heard me. 

Hopefully the next 24 hours are also as positive… 

Too much too soon… 

I think for a moment that I wanted change so badly that I convinced myself that my life was changing. But after the initial couple of months I’ve found myself back to the usual state. 

The last few days especially have been very low and I’ve been in a mood. I’ve gone back to feeling very empty and like there’s no purpose to every day. 

I think to some extent I also put too much faith too early on into having decided to try to be in a relationship (even though it is a long distance one). In my mind because I had made (to me) such a huge decision to get back into a “relationship” after almost seven years, I tried to convince myself that this was definitely it – it had to work … because I made such a step. 

Of course reality is much different from what you “want”. It’s a long distance situation where three months has already gone by since last I’ve seen the person and no set plan yet as to when next I will see them. At first I could comfort myself in the “idea” that I was actually having a major change in life. But really… it’s not that different to what things were before when I had no one because it’s not as if the person IS there. Now I wonder if I got too excited too soon and jinxed it. 

In meeting / your sponsor always reminds you about the cardinal rule of no expectation no disappointment and it is a rule that I have always broken and still cannot seem to really master in life – be it with friends or lovers or family. I just always have expectations of people… that they will be straightforward or loyal or honest or sober or whatever the situation calls for. 

But you can’t control anyone. You can only control yourself. That said, that makes being in a supposed relationship even harder because can you really go into a relationship of any kind with no expectations?… 

Aside from which… there’s always just everything else… the usual stressors that fill the space… and I’ve gone back to wondering if this is all there is and if it IS all there is… will it ever be enough… 

Today I felt like I had gone back to where I was five years ago… going movies alone… driving alone… feeling alone. Going movies by myself was one of the things I did continuously after my boyfriend died because it was the few hours where I wouldn’t have to think – just be immersed in some story line for a few hours… today was very much like I used to feel back then – like I don’t belong here and I’m just always going to be an outsider looking in at life.