1. I hate that you’re a liar.
2. I need to love myself more.
3. It’s hard to let you go.
4. What we shared was a fantasy.
5. I still think about you everyday.
6. I know that you’ve forgotten me.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt as low as I do now and really there’s no reason FOR this present feeling. It’s just a cycle that happens all the time and I’ve just gotten used to it over the years.
I had a bright spot I suppose because I decided to try being in a relationship which probably delayed the cycle a bit. Nevertheless it’s back.
Granted there has been a lot going on… especially the surgical procedure and even though this week will be a month since I did it I still have a lot of pain and require pain killers daily. I was supposed to travel next weekend but those plans got derailed. Work also has been really… really frustrating especially this past week. My addict has also been going hard lately and is racking up quite the bill with dealers yet again.
I also think the current state of world affairs has not helped. My country is in such a depressing, depraved state right now much less everything else you hear on the news.
So my anxiety has been acting up again a lot… just in terms of feeling trapped in life. Is this all there is? Maybe nothing will change or get better. I felt like I ended last year feeling very positive about things but now that it’s two months into this year and the “high” is over I’m not as optimistic.
I’ve realized lately that this depression is also manifesting itself in my NOT feeling to write. Whereas I would blog everyday previously now I barely make it once every two weeks on here. It isn’t for lack of thoughts or issues but… I just don’t “feel”…
And my phases of depression are often much longer and deeper than IF I happen to feel relatively “good” so I know I’m due for quite a downer. As much as “knowing” about it and the signs should help it really doesn’t. I still haven’t discovered the “way” to feel better quickly even after all of these years.
While there has been no infection so far thankfully since my cervical LEEP procedure. The back pain has been insane. I’m not someone who feels pain easily but THIS is really next level pain.
I had my show to do last weekend and by day two I was just praying to make it to the end even if it meant I would have to crawl off stage after – I kept saying just let me get to the end.
This week fared better but by this weekend yet again I’m practically bedridden because the back pain started up again.
I bought a heating pad and I have been using a muscle rub and taking a mild painkiller prescribed by doctor (don’t want anything to increase bleeding). But so far once the pain starts there is no relief. I also try doing some light stretches in the morning and the evening to hopefully help the muscles but it’s still very rough.
It’s close to the two week mark since the procedure so I am hoping that in a week or so it will improve. I have a show to do next week (a different one that is not as intensive thankfully) so I’m hoping I make it through!