My biopsy results came back in a record two day time period. Results were not good I was already in high grade / fairly bad range of dysplasia. My doctor wanted an immediate appointment to remove the abnormal cervical tissue. So that was done today.
The procedure went pretty well, they think they were successful in excising the “bad” tissue but there will be a retest just to be sure. They use a local anesthetic and and do an electro surgical excision of the cervical tissue. Some people get dizzy/ faint or feel pain but I was fine. The only thing you’re not prepared for is the smell of your flesh burning – that was a bit strange. I felt fine after though and I’m home now … so far no complaints / anything out of the ordinary.
Everything happened so fast that I guess I didn’t really get time to think about everything. They had originally said the biopsy would be back in maybe two weeks so to get it back in a matter of days was shocking and then to get a near immediate appointment was also surprising. So I didn’t really get time to really consider the results or the consequences of things.
I just knew I wanted it all out. I felt like a part of my was rotting and I just didn’t even care about outcome really once I knew it was out. I know that doing this procedure means that there’s an increased chance of infertility or at least premature birth if you ever get pregnant but I’m trying to not even really focus on that.
The tissue is out and they caught it before it became cancerous and hopefully things will progress healthily from now… only time will tell …
Six months is up so I went back to the doctor. He was going to perform a cryo procedure but couldn’t. Things were a lot worse inside than even six months ago. So doing the procedure would not have made sense. He decided to put me on antibiotics for a week to try to cut down on the inflammation and instead of a cryo do a colposcopy instead and send it to biopsy.
At 33 going on soon to be 34 we all know when we hear biopsy what we think. Especially at this age and anything cervical. Since I’ve never had any children it also makes that thought seem even further away if even at all…
Since I was alone for so long I convinced myself I wasn’t going to have kids anyway because who would I have them with? But now in a new relationship it’s like … your bad health news can now affect someone else potentially in the long run. How do you tell someone who also doesn’t have kids hey if you plan to stick around well… no kids for us… No one really wants to have THAT conversation but to be fair to the other person obviously they should know that that is a real possibility.
Aside from which it’s such a new relationship even though he tells me I can talk to him about anything I try NOT to because I don’t want to burden him with all my “things”. I don’t want the relationship to feel heavy I like that it’s happy and not “weighed down” and want it to stay that way. I feel like I’ve come a fair distance from how dark things were before and I don’t want this to get mired in those feelings. So I try to minimize in a way what goes on in day to day life is things are bothering me because he has a life too and we’re already so far from each other.
But I was really depressed with how things went today and also just fed up and frustrated because it has been pretty much all my life I’ve had to deal with these problems which have gotten progressively worse.
Luckily I have the best doctor in the country probably even in the Caribbean and his specialized area is cervical cancer so I can’t be in any better hands.
But I’m tired of always taking medication and now they’ve decided I should stay on a particular one FOR GOOD. All of these meds make you feel sick as well and I have a very busy life so being sick is just not something I can afford to be.
Right now I’m frustrated and depressed and anxious because now I’m waiting again to see if they can do the other procedure / then wait for results/ then see if he wants or needs to do any other procedure and when can that take place…
Although I blogged much less this year than last year, I feel like posts this year marked more of a turning point in a number of area in my life.
Blogging has been… therapeutic as well as creative for me. While most of the posts have been for want of a better word “dark”, I feel like I have still become a lot more positive as time has gone by.
While I believe 2017 will be a very tough year economically and politically world wide, my aim is to try to be positive. I want to focus only on positive thoughts, mantras and efforts. This is not to say that I don’t believe there will be a lot of negatives or bad experiences but I know much of that can appear to be heightened due to attitude.
People with my type of personality combined with life experiences can tend to magnify the bad and focus on it, even if that is not the intent. I think the fact that my new … boyfriend still seems like not exactly the right word to use … while partner sounds so clinical…but you know who I mean.. is always able to look at the positive, is a testament to the difference in our personalities and why he seems to complement me.
I know I still have to learn to apply the phrases/ slogans that I know so well – one day at a time, let go and let God, keep it simple and easy does it – are some of the hardest ones I’ve had to try to remember to apply on a daily basis.
I hope for the sake of the world though that there can be Peace. That above all is my wish for 2017 and for the years beyond… that somehow we can all manage to Live and Let Live.
To those of you who read my posts, have a Happy New Year full of light and love. May it allow for new beginnings as well as continued successes. Let it be a year of renewal, hope and most importantly peace in every aspect of your lives.