Next year… 

It feels like there was so much bad news this year… I tend to follow news agencies on twitter and retweet anything I find breaking/ interesting etc… but I am sure that 90% of it was bad news. 

Next year will be challenging because I will be overwhelmed with work as usual but now also trying to balance this new long distance relationship. I want to focus more on good things to see if that will make everyday not seem so burdensome/ heavy. 

I want to return to the yearly challenges I used to do like writing one good thing that happened everyday for the year, taking one picture a day for the year, and challenge myself to repost only good news (which I feel will be a tough one). I’m also interested in seeing if that will severely limit my posting or make me have to look harder for “good” news since the bad news is what seems to flood feeds generally… 

I am hoping that 2017 will be a better, happier, more peaceful year for everyone. 

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Things I never said about sex. 

There is a phrase “life in leggings” / a hashtag being used in my country right now which relates to women speaking about unwanted sexual abuse/ encounters… of all kinds. 

Rape/unwanted sexual advances and anything of the sort is something that is so common in our culture that.. most of the time it is not seen as anything “wrong”.  Girls are not taught that their bodies are their own, it isn’t something that we impress upon them. Yes you may tell them don’t let a stranger touch you when they are little children or of overt instances of rape itself (the strange man who attacks you at night) but past that, the expectation of sexual behavior greatly changes once a girl becomes a teenager and beyond and we don’t teach them about rape from people that they know. 

I had many scenarios in my life that now in my thirties as I look back on them I suppose could be seen as inappropriate or “date rape”. At the time however it just… was what it was… As a young teen I invited a boy over to my house. We were home alone. He was very popular / good looking. I was Star struck that he even wanted to hang out. I was always the girl that boys wanted to talk to so they could ask about my friends – never the one that boys were immediately interested in. 

We started fooling around but the act of sex itself wasn’t even on my mind. I thought it was just going to be a makeout session at best. It didn’t turn out that way. His comment after it all happened was I should have expected that because why else did I ask him over. I never told anyone until years later when I had my first “real” boyfriend and his response was pretty much the same – it isn’t a big deal that’s not “rape” it was just a misunderstanding and I probably wanted it. So I never spoke of it again. I had a occurrence happen that was also similar later on with someone else where I did say no (I remember it clearly) but I wasn’t in a position to “say no” at that time apparently. 

As time went on my relationship with men was never really different. Whether I wanted to or not you just knew you had to/ it was expected of you even in cases where the person was your boyfriend and you said no. So sex became something that wasn’t really a big deal to me. It’s like eating food or breathing – just something you do. I didn’t see it as something “special” to share with anyone and I’m sure people who know me would agree and say that I speak of sex as if I were “a man”. 

Often times to us, Boys/Men are seen as being disconnected from having emotions during sex. Girls/women are often pressured 1) if he’s taken you out on a date/ spent money/ treated you nicely then you can’t make it seem like he wasted his time 2) if you’re not the popular / pretty/ rich girl then you can’t be so out of place to think you could hold out because you aren’t really of that caliber or standard – only the really “nice” girls can make them wait 3) it’s just something that happens. 

But moreso than those experiences, a while back something happened that bothered me more than even the instances of unwanted sexual experiences. I went to the movies and a relative was there so I sat next to him when midway through the movie he wanted to hold my hand. Even when I pulled away and tried to just keep my hand in the popcorn bag he kept reaching over for it. It made me feel very uncomfortable so I lied and said I had to leave early and he replied he wanted a “real” kiss before I left. I got up and fled. We never spoke of it and I never told anyone in my family. 

That situation bothered me because we are related yet I know he would never have done that to my other cousins who are white (while I am not) and also because he is very wealthy and well liked by others he probably assumed if I did tell no one would believe the depressed, pining for her deceased boyfriend for years, known for being different niece. Boys in my teen years / early 20’s didn’t “know” me but he did and I felt like he used that to try to get away with something which luckily I was able to escape because I had been around that block so many times I could now get up and leave yet…. I did still feel like I was the one doing something wrong or disappointing someone/ feeling a bit guilty. 
Now I’m in my early 30s. I’m not… bothered by my past in the way that other things in life have come along and traumatized me…  but I can’t say that it hasn’t affected my relationships with men either. I wasn’t turned off of sex, if anything I became far more hyper sexualized because of at that point people I DIDNT want to have sex with, had had sex with me regardless of my feelings. So when I became older and more aware I CHOSE who I wanted and hunted them before anyone could hunt me… as strange as it sounds…  I tried to get control. I didn’t want to feel like the trapped little girl anymore. 

I know I will always find it hard to believe that someone would like me for “me” / that they are just interested in my personality. I find the thought of one day having children and having them be girls a frightening thought because I fear for them and what’s out there and whether I will be strong enough to really teach them that they are worthy and should feel special despite what their social status is/ their colour/ their looks… so too if I have sons.. how do you begin to have that conversation with them about what NOT to do to girls? 

Lately many women have gone missing in this country and those that they find (dead or alive) after are in most cases sexual assaulted. There is also a general societal behavior among men that is predatory in nature, so much so that women do not feel safe walking in public places in midday. I read a friend’s post the other day that said – to her a man is a potential rapist until he proves that he is not. And I didn’t even agree with that, to me a man is a potential rapist full stop. And I am sad that I feel that way because I am sure that is not the case – I mean I know men who obviously have not raped or behaved inappropriately with women! But the underlying feeling is still there. 

I posted that I recently met someone. He treats me like a queen I really could not complain about anything at all and I will admit I was very nervous the very first night we went to dinner because I knew I didn’t feel ready but I felt like if he was ready I wouldn’t know what to say because I liked him and didn’t want him to feel that I didn’t. But he waited and didn’t ask that night and by the time he eventually did I was ready and I didn’t feel any sort of pressure about it at all and it felt like fun yes, but it also did feel special.  

It’s only now that I’m older and hearing / seeing testimonials from many other women that I am now starting to really think about how I relate to sex and that I do have the right to say no and I shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for feeling like I’m just not feeling to do it at that time or even if I do say no and the person insists regardless that it’s not ok – I should be in control to say if and when I’m ready at any time. 

P.s: I thought for a VERY long time before writing this post… though it had been on my mind for a while so for anyone who knows me and reads it don’t feel like you have to talk to me about it if you’re uncomfortable that’s fine I’m ok it’s just thoughts about my past I’m now trying to deal with. 

 

Life change… 💕

I’ve been on silent mode here for a while because a lot of things have happened lately… out of the norm. While the addict is still being his usual addict self, my life suddenly had other things going on as well… I think I wanted to process what was going on and see how “real” it really all was before I considered writing about it. 

For the past few months I’d been talking to someone I met online… He lives in Canada which isn’t exactly next door to the Caribbean but he was supposed to visit my island to do some business. So until the visit we just talked everyday….. every… day. We never seemed to run out of things to talk about or get to know about one another and even regular conversation was … interesting. 

I guess the main things that stood out to me at first was that he liked to read … really read… he loved nature (and got some pretty good pics of his own!) and loved animals… those are all things I would immediately be drawn to in a person. In a weird way he just had a calming effect even though our conversations were through messaging he just had a way of not making the worst day seem as bad as it did before. 

I knew I liked him but of course all of the usual questions came to mind – what if he’s not who he says he is, what if he’s not really coming to visit, what if he’s just playing you along… he seemed so … nice. Why would this nice guy be single? What if he’s a serial killer??? (Yes even that came to mind). Because… it just seemed to good to be true and too good to be true don’t happen to regular people like me. Which is not to say I don’t think he has faults and that I won’t discover the at some point! But overall he appeared to be a genuinely nice guy. 

Then after months of talking … he came to visit… and he was just what he seemed… he was caring, attentive, gentlemanly … also very mellow and quiet which is obviously in total opposition to my personality so I couldn’t fathom how we even got along as great as we did. At first I tried to remind myself I shouldn’t be too fiery and I should tone it down but as time went on I didn’t feel like I had to be anyone other than myself. I took him over to our sister isle and we had a great weekend … (I got great pics)… 

Granted I know talking online and a ten day visit doesn’t mean I know the person wholly but … I just felt calm and relaxed when I was with him. Me! Who is everything BUT calm and relaxed on a daily basis. 

At the end of the visit we had “the talk” and decided to give it a decent / real try even though it is long distance… so after six and a half years I guess I have … a boyfriend. The phrase itself just sounds SO strange and every so often I have to remind myself that yes I really DID willingly make that decision. For so long I’d decided that I was jus going to be single forever, no one I would want to be with would ever come along…

Of course when he left I was plagued for the first day or two with immense anxiety so I hardly slept… it’s still not real, maybe it still IS an elaborate plot or game on his part, he will probably go home and THEN message to say no I’m not interested but didn’t want to say that before… which there is NO evidence of mind you and I know really is just my own insecurities that don’t want me to believe that just for that ten days… I was really happy or that I can still be happy later on because for so long I have been unhappy. 

But I like him. And I was truly willing without real hesitation to try to be in a relationship so I am going to try my best. I want to be myself yet be open to this new avenue that has just appeared out of nowhere for me, because maybe it’s time. 

This of course is a MAJOR life change for me and I know my friends can’t even believe it just as much as I myself can’t believe it. (Although they seem just as, if not more excited and have absolutely no chill at present based on the one picture I uploaded to Facebook lol) 

But … I feel we have a lot more fun to have in the future … and I’m really looking forward to that. 

Until then! Here are some of our vacation pics 🙂