What would make you happy?

I’ve never been able to “find” happiness. I know it’s supposed to be within you and external things won’t make you truly happy, but I’ve never been a genuinely “happy” person. Therefore, it’s also another reason why I’ve not wanted to be in a relationship. 

I feel like I might rely too much on the person to make me happy as opposed to being happy and having someone there as an added “happy bonus”. Which means it wouldn’t work out because no one can sustain your happiness FOR you… for a while maybe but not forever. I feel like my weightiness will eventually drag the relationship down to a depth it wouldn’t recover from.  

Even if I could start all over again somewhere and have a supposed perfect life I don’t think it would necessarily be “happy” just… quiet. It usually never entails me envisioning someone else there with me either.

I wish my life could be quiet … like live near a forest and work in a book store kind of quiet. I’d maybe try yoga more out on a deck or just meditation and have a cat. I think that if things around me were quieter MAYBE my thoughts would be forced into being quieter and less invasive as well. 

I suppose I just want “life” to leave me alone. 

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