Anxiety… cont’d

Mental illness at any point along the wide spectrum of illness, is scary. Whether you’re just exhibiting signs of what can be termed eccentricity or full blown mania… no one can really explain to others what it’s like knowing that something is wrong that you can’t seem to fix. 

I’ve always known that something isn’t quite right. Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance or a heredity genetic dysfunction or life’s events in general that have all coalesced… maybe even all.. all it’s proven is that I’m a great liar because no one knows what goes on in my head everyday. 

Lately I’ve been convinced that something extremely bad is going to happen in my life. I’m anxious about it all the time. There hasn’t been any reason to think this but I just do. I try not to think about it because I feel that will give life to its possibility but I can’t help it. 

Every second that is not focused on work is instead focused on this anxiety. I wake up in the middle of the night and I immediately obsess about it for hours and during the day it just kinda of scrolls as white noise almost behind everything else going on. 

Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel like I’d rather not be alive than have to continue like this everyday. Everyday is getting harder and harder to try to wade through the fear – the fear that everything will fall apart. 

I feel that this anxiety has gotten worse because things have just bee going “well” lately. Not great but well enough. And things never really go well… in my world well is like saying you’ve had the best life ever lately… because “well” almost never happens and if it does not for this length of time. 

So to combat feeling well it’s like my mind has conspired instead to make me feel anxious about things that have not yet occurred. 

I wish I could start over somewhere different where nobody knew me and I didn’t have to even be myself. I want to be somewhere where I wouldn’t feel obligated to be a certain way just because of how it would appear to other ppl if I wasn’t this way… 

I’m afraid to feel happy because happy isn’t meant for everyone. Once I let myself feel that way I will be setting myself up for some disaster to remind me  that “happy” is for the next girl not me.

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