Not my best. 

I’m clearly having a bad weekend. It started out quite well… I went by a friend and got my nails done and went to a movie with another friend (socializing with TWO friends in one day?! I mean this was nothing short of a miracle)… And then the addict got me PISSED beyond all measure. 

You know what really gets me – that stupid smirk on his face when he’s talking shit. Yesterday I was so angry I felt like I want to stab him in his face just to get that fucking smirk to disappear. Yes. He got me that vexed. Whenever I feel like we reach a point where I can remotely stand him… it falls apart and I’m back to square one of -: no you’re just a fuckin idiot that I can’t stand. 

It’s like every time I think he really can’t get me anymore vex than he has before – he does. So I’ve been in a mood since yesterday afternoon as usual questioning WHY is this my life, why is this my family and why am I here. Because nothing is going to change we know this, he’s still going to be an addict, I’m still going to be pissed and we are always going to argue. 

I woke up and there was an hour long documentary on “Rocky to Creed”… of course everyone knows how much I love Stallone and the Rocky franchise. It detailed the movement / making of each of the movies with interviews with Stallone and other actors who all participated in the movies. So that made me forget about how angry I was for a while. It’s odd how people can feel so attached to characters in books or movies… 

Rocky is symbolic of the success of an underdog, someone with flaws but able to somehow get back to the path of determination, ambition, hard work and strength in the face of adversity. Rocky is a survivor. 

Even though I get angry about my life it’s these same elements that I have to try to remember and hold on to in order to believe that life still has meaning. Obstacles and adversity will be there but it’s not how many times you win but how many times you get knocked down and keep getting back up. One punch one round at a time. 

I’m still VERY angry and have no plans of speaking to the addict for a WHILE. But I am going to try to get through today without obsessing over how angry I am and try to make it to tomorrow. 

Cooking 

Now that I’ve tried to pay more attention to what I’ve been eating … I have found more a zeal to cook. I love cooking shows though I don’t usually cook very often. While I don’t make elaborate dishes I know I won’t starve! 

I tried making tuna casserole today… I had been feeling to make it a while now which is odd since I’m not even really a tuna person. But it came out pretty decently, I didn’t do badly for a first timer at all! 

Lately I’ve been in a cooking phase… I always get into phases and do something almost obsessively and then I stop just as abruptly as I started. I could never really settle and find something that I genuinely like to do and stick with it. But so far cooking has been an on and off love. A sporadic love affair but more on than off lately. 

When I think of traveling to places I think of places I can see nature and eat good food… I would like to go to Italy someday just to eat true Italian cuisine. (Ok ok and to look at the men as well lol) But mainly it’s for the food! 

I’m hoping that I keep wanting to experiment more and try new things to cook. I know that it’s important for me to find SOMETHING that interests me and lately nothing has been doing that. 

I think to some extent I find a certain peace with cooking… you are busy concentrating on the process and what you’re doing and what tastes you want to create… my regular everyday anxieties tend to not be at the forefront of my mind when I’m in the kitchen. I also think cooking is one of my more unexplored / hidden talents that I really haven’t done much to foster. As I’ve gotten older though and more reclusive … it’s one of the few things I seem to like doing with my time…

Ps. This is a sweet pepper from my garden they are coming along pretty well