Today I made pancakes. Regular ready to mix pancakes and some bacon. I haven’t made pancakes in over six years. My boyfriend used to love pancakes and I used to make them for him all the time. After he died it was one of the many things I just… Never did again.
I don’t know that you ever really decide that you’re just not going to do something again because it reminds you of the person… Or if your subconscious does it for you automatically. I stopped living after he died… I’ve been alive (barely at points) but it has been a test of will to say that I am truly living. I know I haven’t reached that goal as yet. I am still hung up on a lot of things but as the years go by I have started back carving out a day or two where I am actually living.
The last few days I was just really feeling for pancakes and I felt like it was time… I threw in cinnamon powder to pancake mix and gave it a cinnamon flavor, fried up some bacon and finished off with good old syrup.
It’s a really small move in the grand scheme of things but it also was very big that I was able to do it even though I thought about him all the time I was making it and I felt ok.
Afterward I told him… I still got it 😉