Pancake Making Revisited 

Today I made pancakes. Regular ready to  mix pancakes and some bacon. I haven’t made pancakes in over six years. My boyfriend used to love pancakes and I used to make them for him all the time. After he died it was one of the many things I just… Never did again.

I don’t know that you ever really decide that you’re just not going to do something again because it reminds you of the person… Or if your subconscious does it for you automatically. I stopped living after he died… I’ve been alive (barely at points) but it has been a test of will to say that I am truly living. I know I haven’t reached that goal as yet. I am still hung up on a lot of things but as the years go by I have started back carving out a day or two where I am actually living.

The last few days I was just really feeling for pancakes and I felt like it was time… I threw in cinnamon powder to pancake mix and gave it a cinnamon flavor, fried up some bacon and finished off with good old syrup. 

It’s a really small move in the grand scheme of things but it also was very big that I was able to do it even though I thought about him all the time I was making it and I felt ok. 

Afterward I told him… I still got it đŸ˜‰

Overwhelmed with anxiety

I have a lot of anxiety right now. It’s just not getting better at all if anything it’s getting worse. I’ve always been the kind of person that has 4-6 things on my mind at a time even since I was small.

But now even with all of those things on my mind, whatever they are, I feel like something bad is going to happen. I don’t know if maybe because things are ok… Not necessarily great but they aren’t bad they’re just ok… But based on the past six years or more … “Ok” is as good as great. 

So I get worried. All the time. About everything. I worry about crime and something happening to my mother I go to work everyday and feel like she won’t be home when I get here, that something would have happened to her. That either the addict or someone he’s owing money to or just a random person might have done something to her. That’s probably my major fear. 

I worry about work.. Even though I’ve been there for going on 13 years and I’m good at it.. I know I’ve been getting more frustrated and not enjoying it anymore and I feel like I might end up being stuck for the next twenty years till retirement hating the only thing I’m good at. 

I worry about money. All the time. With the recession and the state of the economy I feel like what I’ve saved I will somehow lose if things get really bad and I don’t know how I would start all over again. The fear of poverty and destitution has been something that has plagued me since I was a child, for no good reason but I still fear it. 

I wake up all the time at night and I immediately worry as I am conscious and that’s just how it is for the whole day. I think because things have NOT been disastrous lately as well I’m just waiting for something TO happen because … It seems that something bad always happens. 

It’s tiring and frustrating to just be anxious all the time. And you feel sick as well. Just an uneasy sort of nauseous feeling. 

I somehow always feel that people like me won’t get a good life. And if I want a good life I definitely won’t get it … Like God wouldn’t give it to me because I was too… Presumptuous ? Not deserving/ good enough ? Wanting of too much? Kind of like a lottery and only certain people win the good life lottery and others just don’t and the ones who don’t shouldn’t dare think of cheating the lottery of what they got. 

It may sound weird but that’s just how I feel about my life. If I feel like things might be going well and I begin hoping for a better future / outlook / thinking I might be able to somehow be “happy” I immediately try to stop myself because I feel something bad will happen instead and to remind me that change I thought about, I’m not good enough to get. 

There’s a situation right now that I haven’t blogged about at all because I probably just don’t even want to jinx it? Or think positivity about because I think that will put it in the line of sight to be destroyed before it begins?  So I know it has caused me added anxiety because I feel I’m trying to shield a situation from inevitable doom.

I wonder if other people with anxiety feel the same way sometimes…

Addict Journals cont’d

I’ve been so busy I haven’t gone to meeting in months… I would try to check in every so often but … I always found my mom spoke more when I wasn’t there and so I stopped going so that she could gain more from the meeting. But she hasn’t gone often in a long time… And my sponsor no longer attends because of his new work hours. 

Not having my sponsor around as much as before has also been a major reason why I haven’t gone back to meeting but we had decided to continue step work regardless. But we really just haven’t been in contact much because both of us are busy and he also has many pressing cases / people to deal with. 

Yesterday we spoke and he asked about when we would start back doing step work … Which I want to do but right now seems just as tiring as anything else that I have to do. Step work isn’t something to be taken lightly and you really kind of immerse yourself when you start doing it. 

I miss the ladies of the meeting though.. It was always strange how much they said I helped them because I am neither Married nor a mother and in most cases their addict was a husband or child… But I suppose it’s always been easier for me to say how I feel / be truthful about situations that most ppl. 

It’s not that I don’t care about how the other person (aka the addict) would feel based on what I have to say… But I’ve just always been able to be ok with saying things even if it’s not what you might want to hear… Co dependents always tend to mute themselves because the addict is the most important person but I’m not codependent on my actual addict maybe that’s why saying what I felt about him and what he was doing was easier? 

I also feel like there is a lot of responsibility when it comes to meetings and step work. If I complete step work it’s only understood that I should then sponsor someone … While we suggest and we don’t give advice … It’s such a huge responsibility I don’t know if I am ready for that and also because you’re not supposed to get attached / feel any sort of way if your “sponsee” isn’t necessarily following what the steps suggest and I’m not sure that I can separate myself in that way. My sponsor is very good at doing it but… Sometimes I wonder if he’s really human đŸ‘½… 

Being so swamped with work is also an issue, because many things that should be routine like going to meetings or keeping in touch with others from the meeting, tend to become waylaid. 

But fear is also a part of it… I had reached a point where I felt that I was only “about” meetings and step work as if I myself was an addict and I guess I didn’t want to feel like I was ? So I pulled away when I felt that too much of my life was becoming focused on that… And that isn’t the fault of anyone other than me finding it hard to create the balance between “regular” life and the life of someone who lives with an addict.

Maybe I will go back to meeting someday before end of year… But I do feel it is necessary to start back step work and at least more correspondence with my sponsor so that I can regain and maintain some more peace in my life. 

Being healthy is not always that easy…

Since I started back work and I’m no longer on vacation… It is a lot harder to be as healthy as I was when I was just home. 

This is probably the most trying year I’ve had going back out to work and when I get home I am so tired I just lie down in bed and I don’t move again till the next day. I just feel too tired to do anything and exercise definitely has not been happening.

I try to do the infused water on the night before so that I can have it for the next day but I definitely haven’t been doing it daily. Today was the first day since sometime last week as well since I did my fruit salad, which I was happily doing everyday over the vacation. 

I’m so swamped with work as well I haven’t really even thought about January and doing the retest and what that would mean if things have NOT changed. Today was the first time the topic came up at all in a long time and I realized that I’ve just been too busy to really focus on being healthy as I was before. 

I think people find it easy to have balance but I have never been someone that has been able to “find” balance in life… In any aspect of life for that matter. I would fall into a routine for a while then fall out of it just as fast. Right now my routine is straight home after work, bathe – I may eat if I’m dying but if not then I don’t bother- , bed (with tea) till next day. 

I always go to work early so by 6:30 am I’m there until 2:30 pm and I don’t really stop at all throughout the day once in there I’m always doing something. But it’s also been insanely hot at 34/35 degree dates lately and that can also be what is draining me since I don’t work in air conditioning (and I have to talk whole day and the room is filled with 30-40 other bodies). 

I was also asked to do another show in a very short space of time and I was actually glad when the producers changed their mind because I really was not sure if I would have found the energy to do it. So I am glad for the break from performing for a few weeks and trying to just focus on regular work and getting as much as I can done but it really has been hard. 

Today I was able to do some infused water with kiwi and strawberry for tomorrow and I made a pretty decent fruit salad… Kiwi watermelon pineapple blue berries strawberries …