I have a lot of anxiety right now. It’s just not getting better at all if anything it’s getting worse. I’ve always been the kind of person that has 4-6 things on my mind at a time even since I was small.
But now even with all of those things on my mind, whatever they are, I feel like something bad is going to happen. I don’t know if maybe because things are ok… Not necessarily great but they aren’t bad they’re just ok… But based on the past six years or more … “Ok” is as good as great.
So I get worried. All the time. About everything. I worry about crime and something happening to my mother I go to work everyday and feel like she won’t be home when I get here, that something would have happened to her. That either the addict or someone he’s owing money to or just a random person might have done something to her. That’s probably my major fear.
I worry about work.. Even though I’ve been there for going on 13 years and I’m good at it.. I know I’ve been getting more frustrated and not enjoying it anymore and I feel like I might end up being stuck for the next twenty years till retirement hating the only thing I’m good at.
I worry about money. All the time. With the recession and the state of the economy I feel like what I’ve saved I will somehow lose if things get really bad and I don’t know how I would start all over again. The fear of poverty and destitution has been something that has plagued me since I was a child, for no good reason but I still fear it.
I wake up all the time at night and I immediately worry as I am conscious and that’s just how it is for the whole day. I think because things have NOT been disastrous lately as well I’m just waiting for something TO happen because … It seems that something bad always happens.
It’s tiring and frustrating to just be anxious all the time. And you feel sick as well. Just an uneasy sort of nauseous feeling.
I somehow always feel that people like me won’t get a good life. And if I want a good life I definitely won’t get it … Like God wouldn’t give it to me because I was too… Presumptuous ? Not deserving/ good enough ? Wanting of too much? Kind of like a lottery and only certain people win the good life lottery and others just don’t and the ones who don’t shouldn’t dare think of cheating the lottery of what they got.
It may sound weird but that’s just how I feel about my life. If I feel like things might be going well and I begin hoping for a better future / outlook / thinking I might be able to somehow be “happy” I immediately try to stop myself because I feel something bad will happen instead and to remind me that change I thought about, I’m not good enough to get.
There’s a situation right now that I haven’t blogged about at all because I probably just don’t even want to jinx it? Or think positivity about because I think that will put it in the line of sight to be destroyed before it begins? So I know it has caused me added anxiety because I feel I’m trying to shield a situation from inevitable doom.
I wonder if other people with anxiety feel the same way sometimes…