Sunday was six years since my boyfriend died. I don’t think it gets any “easier” I think easier is just not the right word for it… There’s still that dull ache that just… Exists…
We went to mass as usual and then i went behind the church to where his ashes are interred and spoke to him. I do it every year on the anniversary of the day he died.
I really don’t ever think about the time we spent together but this time I did a post that briefly looked at six memories I had with him… More like firsts and lasts… First time we slept at a beach house etc and last time we spoke… Mind you we had so many memories together over those 8 years that it’s scary even to behind to think about them because I’ve buried them so deep it would be like opening an over stuffed vault so I tried to keep it simple.
I think it’s still hard for me not because I think we were necessarily meant to be together, which I have said before, but moreso just because he was a good man and I feel like he is missing out on so much here… He never got to meet his two last nieces… Seven of the nine nieces and nephews won’t even remember him because they were either too young or not born when he died. He was a real family oriented person and he loved his sisters and their children, I wish he could have seen them grow up.
I know it doesn’t make sense asking why because there is no answer to that… Why do bad people get to live to old age doing bad all their lives and the good die young and people mourn them for the rest of THEIR lives…
But this year I was able to focus more on some happy times spent together and continuing to acknowledge that I am sure that he is in a good place – that I have never doubted.
I will always love him but I feel like maybe it’s time now that I can begin to really accept and not dwell as much on the fact that he is gone. I know he would have wanted me to find joy in life even though it is without him being physically present. He will always be with me though because I will never forget him.