Anxiety.. Musings on Life

I have a lot of anxiety lately… Probably just a lot on my mind about life in general. 

Everything is so depressing in the news… I often wonder do people every really just realize the wonder and beauty of the world and recognize how we are destroying it along with ourselves… Do we really think we can continue on the way that we are and not expect some epic apocalyptic end?

Futuristic shows are no longer just the embodiment of someone’s imagination… They are more like an impending result to our present.

Why don’t all lives matter? Why don’t all races, religions, sexes, genders think that they is space enough in the world for everyone and everything? 

The human race has lost its way and I’m not sure it will ever find its way back to the path it needs to be on. 

Travel? No there’s terrorism

Children? No there’s Zika 

Jobs? No there’s recession

Live? No there’s hate 

At every turn there is something to thwart the attempt of those willing to “be”. Be an explorer of the world, be a part of creating the next generation, be of use to others… Just “be” regardless of who they are… 

How do I – one just barely middle class mixed race and mixed religion female in a third world country – enact change? How do I create purpose in what I do that makes my time spent here meaningful and can it encourage others to do the same?

I know that fear is and always has been the major obstacle in realizing the answer to that question. Fear of instability, poverty, seeming weak, not being good enough… I know that “all that stands in the way of yourself is you” and “you only have the power to change yourself” and “without challenges there would be no growth” but it’s one thing to know these things and another to truly LIVE it as TRUTH. 

I need to find a truth I can be happy living so that I find my place in the world and make it worth the time I was given here. I think only then would I be able to free myself from my anxiety. 

Advertisements

Abnormal Test Results Update… 

I went ahead and did some other testing instead of waiting the six months. I suppose I just didn’t want the added stress of just waiting to find out bad news… Aside from which, my medical history up until this point and being over 30 didn’t give me any positive reinforcement. 

The good news is I don’t have cancer and the abnormal cell growth is not caused by anything such as an std. So that narrows down the possibilities of what is causing it though it does not negate the need for another cryosurgery in six months time. I did a cryo years ago hoping that would rectify the issues but clearly they only abated them for a while.  

My assumption right now based on elimination is a hormonal imbalance as the cause primarily because of the polycystic ovaries as the likely menace. However there is no real “cure” … I can try to eat more anti-inflammatory foods and cut down even more on sugar then I have but that’s about all. I’m drinking a small dose of apple cider vinegar everyday still for good measure. 

So I will wait for six months and do a follow up test and if all remains the same then I will do the cryosurgery and see if that serves to improve the situation for a while. But at least it isn’t cancer!. 

Abnormal test results …

So my gynecologist called today and said that my test results came back “abnormal”. Of course the usual don’t worry it could be nothing we will check again in six month – conversation- ensued. If in six months the same result then more tests and biopsy. 

I have always had gynecological problems. I have had Polycystic ovaries since prior to puberty and although I lack the usual symptoms of weight gain and acne or a lot of body hair, I just would not ovulate all through out my teens. So for the last 17 years I’ve been on birth control pills to help regulate the issue (you name it I’ve been on it – Yasmin, femiane, alesse, microgynon, qlaira and now novynette). 

Whenever the cysts start to grow I would go on a 500 or 1000 mg glucofage dose for a six months (which I am on right now) to try to tame them. 

I’ve always had strange looking cervical cell but the tests usually would come back normal.. although I did a cryosurgery maybe 8 years ago to see if that would help the cells didn’t appear to really change. And now I’m here with this “abnormal” result. 

I think it’s more frustration than even worry or anger or anything right now because it’s years of being on the pill and of course medication and here I am at 33 with no children and looking at.. Who knows.. Abnormal cells… Cancer… Infertility… I’m just tired of the whole thing. 

I’ve always known the likelihood of infertility so maybe that’s why I’m not as upset as I could be… I always said when I turned 40 (and clearly would not be trying for any children at that age) that I would just get a hysterectomy and get it over with.

But when I got the news I couldn’t help but feel that maybe I had waited too long and should have just tried for a child years ago… even though things had not been ideal at the time or maybe I should just try now in a last ditch effort. But while its at the back of my mind I still can’t say that I whole heartedly feel that way. A big part of my still feels that I don’t think that’s the path for me. 

So… I have six months before second testing… So I just have to wait…

Anxiety and step work… 

I’m on vacation from this week but… It doesn’t feel like it. I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing rehearsals for a new shoe opening Friday but I have a lot of anxiety. So I didn’t wake up and go through the day “feeling” like I was on vacation.

My sponsor also convinced me to start back doing steps… It’s been maybe a year or so since we sort of stalled on that. I was stuck on step 9. So since I’m supposed to be starting back work on steps maybe that could also be adding a little bit to the anxiety in a way. 

Step work was helpful to me but I think that steps and going meetings also made me feel a bit as if I was the addict. I felt like my life was becoming too consumed with NARANON and I ended up taking a step back from it all. 

I also felt that since my mom and I are codependent it’s also problematic at times when we both go the same meeting together (but it’s the only NARANON women’s meeting got family). Since I felt like she needed the meetings more than I did, I stopped going because I felt she would have more of a voice if I was not there. I just kept in contact with my sponsor off and on to not be totally out of the loop.

I know I should still be doing more readings and work on my own but “out of sight out of mind” mostly applies and I know there’s a bit of a void now between me and the NARANON life. I think the anxiety could also be because I let that divide happen. It’s like I have the tools to deal with some of these issues but they’ve gathered a lot of dust. 

I have a lot of work to do over the vacation but I also need to do some refresher “work” on my step work and try to find more of a balance psychologically.

Musings… 

Even though I do not live in the United States I think everyone who is of colour or loves people of colour can relate to the tension and atrocities taking place right now. Race discrimination is world wide… Religious discrimination is world wide. Wars, terrorism and forced migration have not made it any easier. 

In my island there are many races and many religions. I myself am the product of an Indian Muslim father and a Scottish/ African/ Spanish/ native Indian Carib mix Roman Catholic mother – I am Roman Catholic and went to catholic school all my life. (This is not strange for our country). They are not singular in their decision to marry either as both sides of my family have married whomever they wanted.

So religion and race prejudice is something I probably won’t ever understand. But that’s not to say I don’t know what it’s like to be discriminated against. I am darker than most of my cousins and I have had comments thrown my way about being the ugly black duckling and so on. I have also been not allowed to enter places although my whiter looking cousins and friends have never been questioned.

And while it’s unfair I can understand my cousins and friends when they say they hope their children are fair skinned or lighter in complexion just because they know their life will be easier. I can’t blame them. It is scary when you are not white regardless of where you are. 

Every time I go to an airport I am worried that I will be targeted because my last name is a Muslim one even though I myself am not and even if I were, I can never be a “fanatic” regardless of what religion I am stated as. (It always amazes me that people can believe so wholly in anything other than good food and wine). 

When I go to certain stores or establishments with certain friends I feel like I stick out for being different. If I go out with a white man you know that everyone labels you for doing so – you want him for his money and why is he with you when he could find a white woman instead. People see and judge you based on your colour even though we have essentially become a global village. 

I live on a Caribbean island and still there is that residual “colonial” perception that black/mixed is inferior. I teach girls in a primarily black school… And I am afraid for them when they go out into the world. Black women are the only other people seen “of lesser value” than black men in the eyes of those who are prejudiced. My girls are brilliant, creative, talented… They are more than their colour and I know people – a lot of people- will not see past that. 

I tend not to even want to blog about this and until now I have purposely not stated the religion my father was born into (and he was the “worst” Muslim because he didn’t practice and ate pork anyway) because I know how people feel nowadays when they hear Muslim or even mix raced. But we are not fanatics we are not criminals we are not less than… We are just people… 

Regardless of injustices thought hate only breeds hate and “fighting” injustice with violence makes us no better than those we supposedly fight against. You cannot judge a whole race on the actions of a few the same way you cannot judge a whole religion on the actions of a few and so on. We are logical creatures and rational thinking should prevail. The more we allow ourselves to be divided from our fellow man, the more we destroy ourselves. 

I want better for the future and for the world and future generations even though I may not have children myself… We are all one people and we only have one earth and one life. I want more love, acceptance and understanding for the world. I want peace.