Addict Journals Cont’d

No surprise to me the addict had his full blown relapse on Thursday into Friday. The months of “drinking but that isn’t going to lead me back to crack” bullshit obviously could not last. He went out Thursday morning and didn’t come back till Friday morning 5am. 

He left the house with no money so he’s obviously owing some loan shark a ridiculous amount for being gone all that time I’m sure. I was leaving to go away just as he returned home so I didn’t even bother to argue as I was in my way to the airport.

But of course although she says go and have a good time, how can I really? He’s just had a relapse I’m leaving the country and I don’t know what’s going on when I’m gone. They themselves had a beach side vacation plan as its a long weekend for us. She forced him to go still since it had been booked way in advance and she was too ashamed to call the people to say they weren’t coming again on such short notice.

But it’s always short term. When we all go back home by Tuesday we all know it’s going to be back to the same shit again. 

And the irony is just on Thursday my sponsor told me he found that my addict was doing well (I didn’t agree since to me drinking in his case is using and we had a whole conversation about that), and someone else asked me how he was doing and I said well he’s drinking but not back to crack yet and the person commented on well that’s not so bad then he’s doing okay… but then he ended up going right back to really using on that same day. 

I left for my vacation. And it’s been good to get away. My host is treating me really well (considering how horrible my travel experiences have been I’m being treated like a queen). But it’s hard not to feel a sense of some underlying anxiety still because I’m not ready and at hand at home. 

But I will be back home in two days… I know I’ve been in a sort of malaise and I’m hoping that , that along with the intense anxiety, does not come back right away as I return. However given the circumstances I think this mini getaway is really just a “mini” and I’m going to be back in a lot of stress when I return. 

It’s still a long road ahead. 

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