Addict journals cont’d

It’s amazing how quickly reality can depress you. After having such a fantastic trip the inevitable reality of course is being back at home.

Back to the frustration of work and back to the addict who is getting worse again. 

I avoided saying anything to him for the past few weeks about his going back to crack just because what’s the point? And I’m fed up of him and living with him in general. 

I am ready to pack all his things and put it in the road but of course it’s not just me who has to make the decision. She has to make the decision and just saying that you’re fed up and this is it (for years now) is not making a decision. 

I always wondered what life would have been for her if she hadn’t stayed with him all these years. How much happier and stress free it could have been. She might have even found a better man or maybe learnt to be happy alone. I think either would be far better than this. 

All this is is babysitting someone and plannin all the movements of your life around their addiction and not feeling calm or at peace even in your own home. It’s always the hiding of wallets and locking of bedroom doors once you go out to avoid him stealing from us. 

I wish she would allow herself to find a better life and realize that she could survive quite well without him because she does everything anyway and without his help. 

But she won’t. And I’m stuck here. How many vacations can I really take? It’s only so many times you can escape for a weekend / few days. The reality remains that we are still living like prisoners in your own home while he gets to do and go wherever  he wants without consequence.

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Travel Log

My trip has been amazing. I feel as if I have been here for a week and not just barely three days. This experience was so vastly different from my first horrendous travel experience visiting someone at their own place. 

My friend was open, inviting and wanted to take me more places than even I wanted to go! We ate a range of food (always a great thing) and did all the “tourist things” like eat local cuisine and visit tourist spots though I am SURE she has done this so many times with visitors before. Never once did she seem fed up or uninterested. She encouraged me to be out all day (quite a feat) and we even went out “late” a night! ( till 12 in a bar). 

I had had a lot of qualms about the visit initially given past bad experiences with others and just worry in general. We have a saying here “come see me and come live with me is two different things”… Meaning people SAY to come visit but when you really do they are not usually pleased about it. 

I didn’t want to seem as if I wanted to go too many places or need anything because of course I don’t want her going out of her way, she’s already hosting me for four days! But honestly I could not have asked for a better host. 

The weekend was packed with interesting sights and restaurants (and wine…. A lot of wine…). It was interesting to see how an island so close to where I’m from could be so different as well in topography, dialect, cuisine as well as so rich with culture on the whole. I do not regret my visit at all and would gladly visit again.

Even something as small as when I first arrived at her home she showed me to my room with its own bathroom… And there was my own toothpaste, disposable razor, face wash… Just the little things you might have forgotten to pack or might not have been able to. Somehow just the thought she put in to having me as a guest, as small as it might seem, made me feel welcome. I will always be thankful. 

It has been a fantastic trip and definitely brightened the otherwise dreary mood that I have been in. I will always hold this as one of my favorite travel experiences.

Addict Journals Cont’d

No surprise to me the addict had his full blown relapse on Thursday into Friday. The months of “drinking but that isn’t going to lead me back to crack” bullshit obviously could not last. He went out Thursday morning and didn’t come back till Friday morning 5am. 

He left the house with no money so he’s obviously owing some loan shark a ridiculous amount for being gone all that time I’m sure. I was leaving to go away just as he returned home so I didn’t even bother to argue as I was in my way to the airport.

But of course although she says go and have a good time, how can I really? He’s just had a relapse I’m leaving the country and I don’t know what’s going on when I’m gone. They themselves had a beach side vacation plan as its a long weekend for us. She forced him to go still since it had been booked way in advance and she was too ashamed to call the people to say they weren’t coming again on such short notice.

But it’s always short term. When we all go back home by Tuesday we all know it’s going to be back to the same shit again. 

And the irony is just on Thursday my sponsor told me he found that my addict was doing well (I didn’t agree since to me drinking in his case is using and we had a whole conversation about that), and someone else asked me how he was doing and I said well he’s drinking but not back to crack yet and the person commented on well that’s not so bad then he’s doing okay… but then he ended up going right back to really using on that same day. 

I left for my vacation. And it’s been good to get away. My host is treating me really well (considering how horrible my travel experiences have been I’m being treated like a queen). But it’s hard not to feel a sense of some underlying anxiety still because I’m not ready and at hand at home. 

But I will be back home in two days… I know I’ve been in a sort of malaise and I’m hoping that , that along with the intense anxiety, does not come back right away as I return. However given the circumstances I think this mini getaway is really just a “mini” and I’m going to be back in a lot of stress when I return. 

It’s still a long road ahead. 

Goals and Ideas 

I’m back to this whole idea of goals. My sponsor and a friend of mine have suggested that I need something to focus on / work towards and maybe that way I won’t put so much energy into all the negative things in the world and how much I can’t change them all.

I don’t think I want to go back to school though I’ve already graduated from university three times… I was thinking about writing but then what would I write about? That’s always been the sticking point I start many ideas but can’t focus on one to really just work on. 

I think I need meditation (maybe some prayer? But more spiritual even if not necessarily “religious”) 

I believe the mind can be powerful enough to “fix” the problem of my anxiety and depression to some extent. Maybe my mind is weaker or weakened because of my NOT doing anything really for so long after my boyfriend died… 

I sometimes feel like I just want to go live in a forest somewhere or go plant trees or have a farm. (Clearly I would need to be in a different country for any of those… Our island is focused solely on urbanization and oil/ gas growth soon we may import every single thing we eat). 

But I’m only at peace around nature and animals… and my anxiety is not as bad. I saw an ad to learn to horseback ride and tend the horses over the summer and I considered calling to see if adults can as well since I know that organization really deals more with children. Or maybe I could check the dog/ cat services I usually donate money to and see if they need a volunteer.

I need to get my thoughts organized and decide on something specific to do and be focused on.

Failed society. 

I think I have to stop ignoring the reality that I should go and seek continuous professional help. I would go talk to counsellors/ psychologists but off and on. I think it’s time to face the possibility as well that maybe I do need medication to be better. I don’t like the idea of meds because of the addiction in my family and signs in myself… But I think I’m at the end. 

And it’s not that anything is “wrong”. I had a good weekend and I have a trip planned this weekend so I should be feeling very good. But world and society events in general have begun to make me feel very lost and depressed all of the time. 

Today a group of men released nude pictures of over 300 women both underage and of age but all without consent. Whether it be hacked or stolen or gotten somehow by other people… Even though I had no “real” reason per se I immediately felt sick to my stomach I mean what if I was there? You never know what could happen … You think you deleted something and you lose your phone and there it is? Who knows. 

But aside from that, it was the immediate clamouring by men nationwide all wanting to see these pictures. Really? There is so much porn available free online yet you want to see pictures issues without consent, some people blackmailed before hand and some of the persons underaged? Someone even called me asking if I had someone else’s number because he “was sure he would have the pics to send to him”. I was so angry. I AM so angry.

I am disgusted. Yet again. How many times will I be fed up of my society? The people in it? The lack of empathy for others… The crassness? The irreverence for the lives of others? The hate?

This is only compounded by the world at large. The shooting in Orlando … There are no words. None. And to think that there are people out there that believe people deserved to die because of their sexual orientation… 

LoveIsLoveIsLoveIsLoveIsLoveIsLove

And right now love of any kind I will welcome because there is so little of it in this world. Maybe when we all die we will truly be judged by some Higher Power who might say otherwise, but until then, we do not and should not, have the right to decide that consensual love between two adults is anything other than NOT our business. 

I have just been uneasy… An underlying feeling of being sick due not only to the actions of people but the RESPONSE of people to these actions. I do not want to be a part of this madness… There has to be more to life than this. 

And then what do I do? How do I change this or make others change? I don’t know how to begin even to change myself… I need help. 

Visiting the sister isle 

This weekend I went over to our sister isle to take part in a 5K. The whole day was full of triathlon events for both adults and kids and then the 5k took place at the end. 

Prior to my event there was a mini triathlon for kids aged 5-7 years old. Swim ride run. The tiniest was a little girl who was so small she didn’t even have a cyclists type bike so she brought her pink me white Barbie bike to ride. Everyone cheered for her and she finished third in the girls division. 

I don’t know who watching her was the more overwhelming experience I had for the day, moreso than my own attempt at the 5K.

She was so small and would not give up and the crowd was so supportive of her. Aside from which she and all of the others in the race had parents there supporting them, parents not much older than myself. 

Though I’m still not into the idea of marriage and children I think if you’re going to do it don’t half ass it. You should give it your all. I felt like those parents were really doing whatever it took to get their kids not only to be great athletes when they get older but showing them support and love. 

No one was angry or crying if they didn’t win or only cheering for “your” person in question. It was a “team” effort even if the person wasn’t even on your team. I felt like if I had a family this is what I would want it to be … Kids going sporting events and just doing things together.

My 5K on a side note wasn’t too bad… It was humid as hell and there were hills (no one said anything about hills) but even with some breathing issues still post op, I made it in 44 mins. Not bad since I wasn’t training or anything. 

The weekend itself had really good weather and I got great pics while there… I will probably go back and do the 5K again next year.