The addict has been doing a very poor job of convincing himself he can “just” drink and not fully relapse back to crack cocaine. What began as two beers and one cigarette once every two weeks just a few weeks ago, has become eight beers and a half pack of cigarettes every day for three days this week so far. It’s only a matter of time until beers and cigarettes won’t cut it.
The last two days however he’s been in bed feeling “sick”. Some neck pain and high blood pressure (actually odd because he does not suffer from pressure issues). I was so glad he was feeling sick because it meant he couldn’t go anywhere.
I mean really… This is it? I’m wishing he stays sick so he doesn’t go out and use?. Of course I know it’s totally against what the program says you should feel about the situation and ultimately just a selfish feeling as well because him not using means my life is better – less anxiety and less stress. I just wish for something to slow him down. But that hasn’t happened not even having cancer slowed him down.
In a way I think that because I feel that way I will probably never be happy. Like a sort of karma. I can’t accept his actions and not wish anything bad on him at times and so my life won’t get better because of it. He gets to be happy coming and going as he pleases and not being sober while everyone else is on edge all the time about what he’s doing. It’s not fair.
But then…Life isn’t fair is it.