I want to remember 

I want to lose myself again in the worlds that exist amidst hundreds of pages… I want to fall in love with characters again who are more real to me than the people that exist. I want to explore a realm again that can only be found through the imagination. 

I read so many books as a child. Dare I say easily hundreds up until my mid twenties. I read all the classics repeatedly. 

Last week the new season of Penny Dreadful started and the introduction of Dr. Jekyll was made. I felt I could hardly breathe. It was a name that brought back such early memories of spending my waking hours ‘elsewhere’. I loved the novel Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I re-read it so many times. I don’t even know when I forgot that I loved him/them.

The character always appealed to me because of that split… Good and bad. Wrestling between the two and wondering which would over power the other eventually. Even though he was locked far away in the recesses of my mind, the concept never left me. 

I always feel caught between good and bad. I feel like I try to be a good person but the bad always seems to be a part of me that has never been managed… Hot tempered, impatient, too deeply passionate – about many things other than men. 

It was probably best I was an only child and only grandchild for over a decade. I hate the idea even now of being “part of” it’s always a competition for me – and I refuse to lose. I’m not a gracious loser I would never have been able to play sports. As an adult it isn’t very different. I can teach others the concept but followin then myself has always been hard. 

I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself. Ironic… To be so similar to a character I held so dear. 

Penny Dreadful has brought back a number of characters I loved… Dracula… Dorian Gray… Dr. Frankenstein… I wish I could get that feeling back… Where this world and what happens in it is a but a mirage – hazy… Where I don’t have to think about myself and my shortcomings and my failures as a human. I want to believe in beings far greater, poignant and more real than even myself. 

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2 thoughts on “I want to remember 

  1. That dichotomy exists in all living creatures and it’s only in its denial that we lose ourselves. Unlock those recesses of your mind Ri… Fear not exploring imagination and fiction… Which always finds their roots in reason.

    We enter and leave the world alone… Even though we are forced to be apart of something while we are here… 😝

    Live you Ri xox

    Liked by 1 person

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