Questions on love 

I went to see Captain America Civil War today. The undying loyalty Cap has for Bucky is amazing… To have that kind of love for a friend ? I’ve never had a friend that I would say felt that way about me or me for them. I don’t think I could feel that way about anyone, even family.

Today is Mother’s Day and everyone is posting / messaging things about their mothers… Whether dead or alive. A good few people I’ve seen who said wonderful things about their mothers…. I knew their mothers and they were not good mothers at all yet their children talk about them like they’re the greatest. This confounds me. 

I love my mom but she’s the best. She loves me, always supports me, never judges me… Would do anything for me. She has unconditional love for me. But do I only feel like I love her because she’s great? I have no need to change her because she IS the best. I would never change her because I have no need to . 

Yet I know people who would never change who their parents were just because they were their parents -regardless how good or bad… And I just can’t understand that. 

To be honest I would change my father. Yes he loves me. But he’s made my life so not worth enduring with his addiction I don’t really care how much he loves me. I would get rid of him if I had the chance. It’s selfish and self serving on my part I am well aware. When I think long term if I’m forced to live, I try to think about what it could be like in the future given the way he is and has been for so many years.  And I only for see a bright future if he was not in it. 

So maybe I’m not capable of unconditional love because that’s supposed to be love no matter what – flaws and all. 

I was always afraid to have children for the same reason. What if I just don’t love them, it’s not like you can give them back. 

I know you can’t “trust” online tests but the few personality ones I’ve tried online have all indicated that I’m borderline something aka no matter what the test I never score as”normal”. 

Whether it be family friendship relationship I don’t feel like I’m capable of really having a deep seated sense of loyalty in that way. I have no Bucky. And it makes no sense UNLESS you have that feeling. Or maybe I just don’t have the capacity to be Cap… 

I keep thinking maybe I haven’t found the right person or people but what if it’s that I’M not right. Built right made right grown right… Whichever Or whatever. 

I know love is supposed to be giving or supportive or caring … Or any other number of possible things but “love” just seems like duress to me. Always trying to do something for the person or accept the ways of the person or having to give in to the person. It doesn’t seem like it is  something that I can achieve that will feel wholly … I don’t know… Free? Not even the love of God. 

I’ve always believed more in the Old Testatment type God. A jealous God… An eye for an eye … An angry God. Not the benevolent shepherd who forgives you no matter what. I mean if I can’t even believe that He could be that perfect then I have no hope for myself to achieve anything of the sort. 

My mother is the only person I can truly say I love and I dare say unconditionally. But that’s all her doing… I’ve given up on finding a Bucky…even in a world as large as this with so many people there just doesn’t seem to be that “One” and I don’t seem to be that “Good”. Maybe in another life next time around it will be different… 

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