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You always know when you are letting go of someone. You feel something within you just… Give way… It is an ache that seems to want to swallow you whole from the inside out with its sheer sense of loss. It is an emptiness that is near indescribable. 

Imagine the pilings of a jetty giving a way.. Allowing you to watch the scant, wooden boards and its moorings slide quietly, until fully enveloped, into dark waters.

The dark waters don’t fill the void though. There is always the knowledge of what was there and no longer is. I have willingly and sometimes unwillingly allowed many skeletons to sink into said waters… I know I should turn my back yet every so often I peer over the edge and these memories stare up at me from below, always lurking and accusatory, never fully gone. 

Past “friends” … Past “lovers”… They’re all the same. Memories that echo of disappointment and “lack”. I cannot be fulfilled nor matched it seems. The ghastly parade of those that marched, backs turned to me, into the waters are a keen reminder of every type of relationship I’ve had. Not even my shadow remains. 

I will never forget the sting of disloyalty, the pain of rejection or the reality of aloneness. I am left rooted, unable to move from this place… The Master of a brooding lake of the all ghosts who never cared. 

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Addict Journals cont’d… 

The addict has been doing a very poor job of convincing himself he can “just” drink and not fully relapse back to crack cocaine. What began as two beers and one cigarette once every two weeks just a few weeks ago, has become eight beers and a half pack of cigarettes every day for three days this week so far. It’s only a matter of time until beers and cigarettes won’t cut it. 

The last two days however he’s been in bed feeling “sick”. Some neck pain and high blood pressure (actually odd because he does not suffer from pressure issues). I was so glad he was feeling sick because it meant he couldn’t go anywhere. 

I mean really… This is it? I’m wishing he stays sick so he doesn’t go out and use?. Of course I know it’s totally against what the program says you should feel about the situation and ultimately just a selfish feeling as well because him not using means my life is better – less anxiety and less stress. I just wish for something to slow him down. But that hasn’t happened not even having cancer slowed him down. 

In a way I think that because I feel that way I will probably never be happy. Like a sort of karma. I can’t accept his actions and not wish anything bad on him at times and so my life won’t get better because of it. He gets to be happy coming and going as he pleases and not being sober while everyone else is on edge all the time about what he’s doing. It’s not fair. 

But then…Life isn’t fair is it. 

I want to remember 

I want to lose myself again in the worlds that exist amidst hundreds of pages… I want to fall in love with characters again who are more real to me than the people that exist. I want to explore a realm again that can only be found through the imagination. 

I read so many books as a child. Dare I say easily hundreds up until my mid twenties. I read all the classics repeatedly. 

Last week the new season of Penny Dreadful started and the introduction of Dr. Jekyll was made. I felt I could hardly breathe. It was a name that brought back such early memories of spending my waking hours ‘elsewhere’. I loved the novel Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I re-read it so many times. I don’t even know when I forgot that I loved him/them.

The character always appealed to me because of that split… Good and bad. Wrestling between the two and wondering which would over power the other eventually. Even though he was locked far away in the recesses of my mind, the concept never left me. 

I always feel caught between good and bad. I feel like I try to be a good person but the bad always seems to be a part of me that has never been managed… Hot tempered, impatient, too deeply passionate – about many things other than men. 

It was probably best I was an only child and only grandchild for over a decade. I hate the idea even now of being “part of” it’s always a competition for me – and I refuse to lose. I’m not a gracious loser I would never have been able to play sports. As an adult it isn’t very different. I can teach others the concept but followin then myself has always been hard. 

I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself. Ironic… To be so similar to a character I held so dear. 

Penny Dreadful has brought back a number of characters I loved… Dracula… Dorian Gray… Dr. Frankenstein… I wish I could get that feeling back… Where this world and what happens in it is a but a mirage – hazy… Where I don’t have to think about myself and my shortcomings and my failures as a human. I want to believe in beings far greater, poignant and more real than even myself. 

Questions on love 

I went to see Captain America Civil War today. The undying loyalty Cap has for Bucky is amazing… To have that kind of love for a friend ? I’ve never had a friend that I would say felt that way about me or me for them. I don’t think I could feel that way about anyone, even family.

Today is Mother’s Day and everyone is posting / messaging things about their mothers… Whether dead or alive. A good few people I’ve seen who said wonderful things about their mothers…. I knew their mothers and they were not good mothers at all yet their children talk about them like they’re the greatest. This confounds me. 

I love my mom but she’s the best. She loves me, always supports me, never judges me… Would do anything for me. She has unconditional love for me. But do I only feel like I love her because she’s great? I have no need to change her because she IS the best. I would never change her because I have no need to . 

Yet I know people who would never change who their parents were just because they were their parents -regardless how good or bad… And I just can’t understand that. 

To be honest I would change my father. Yes he loves me. But he’s made my life so not worth enduring with his addiction I don’t really care how much he loves me. I would get rid of him if I had the chance. It’s selfish and self serving on my part I am well aware. When I think long term if I’m forced to live, I try to think about what it could be like in the future given the way he is and has been for so many years.  And I only for see a bright future if he was not in it. 

So maybe I’m not capable of unconditional love because that’s supposed to be love no matter what – flaws and all. 

I was always afraid to have children for the same reason. What if I just don’t love them, it’s not like you can give them back. 

I know you can’t “trust” online tests but the few personality ones I’ve tried online have all indicated that I’m borderline something aka no matter what the test I never score as”normal”. 

Whether it be family friendship relationship I don’t feel like I’m capable of really having a deep seated sense of loyalty in that way. I have no Bucky. And it makes no sense UNLESS you have that feeling. Or maybe I just don’t have the capacity to be Cap… 

I keep thinking maybe I haven’t found the right person or people but what if it’s that I’M not right. Built right made right grown right… Whichever Or whatever. 

I know love is supposed to be giving or supportive or caring … Or any other number of possible things but “love” just seems like duress to me. Always trying to do something for the person or accept the ways of the person or having to give in to the person. It doesn’t seem like it is  something that I can achieve that will feel wholly … I don’t know… Free? Not even the love of God. 

I’ve always believed more in the Old Testatment type God. A jealous God… An eye for an eye … An angry God. Not the benevolent shepherd who forgives you no matter what. I mean if I can’t even believe that He could be that perfect then I have no hope for myself to achieve anything of the sort. 

My mother is the only person I can truly say I love and I dare say unconditionally. But that’s all her doing… I’ve given up on finding a Bucky…even in a world as large as this with so many people there just doesn’t seem to be that “One” and I don’t seem to be that “Good”. Maybe in another life next time around it will be different… 

Wellness while Alone

I always tell myself I’m going to get into a consistent wellness routine. Nothing too lengthy but I suppose something bordering on consistency. A consistent skin care regime … Or meditative time… Or exercise. Yet somehow I can never stick to a routine. 

I would start off for a two days or so but then after the first week I’m back to my regular scenario – in bed. I always feel tired and everything seems like just a lot of effort. Even basic routines I might try to implement don’t last. 

I can’t seem to get excited about or into anything with enough zeal for it to last. I suppose I should not be surprised. I don’t have a general zeal about life so why would I have it about anything IN life? 

I started back running a bit this week… It’s an on and off relationship I’ve had for many years now… I would keep it up for a few months (2-3) then fall off for like 6 then start back up again. The hardest part is just actually dressing and leaving the house … Once I’m outside I enjoy it. I’m going to see if I can get back into doing it for a while and not let so much time pass by where I’m inactive.

This year more than ever I think I’m more alone than even before. I have far  less “friends” than I used to have, barely any actually. Nowhere to go nothing to do except work. And the being alone isn’t the problem I don’t think I want to be with someone I just think I need to spend my alone time “better”. If that makes any sense… 

I think being alone should somehow make me work on being a better person even if I don’t “like” life per se. I feel like I should be working on my physical and psychological well being in a definite way even if it’s not for the benefit of anyone else. I need to find a way to be interested enough in doing things for me because I AM me.