Even though recovery from my surgery hasn’t been as easy as I had hoped I’m doing pretty well. My stitches refused to dissolve so I had to have them cut out, needless to say I was not impressed. But there isn’t nearly as much pain as before.
I’m on a much needed yet rare break from performing and my everyday job is at its lightest point of the year for the next two months or so. Therefore I’m technically on a kind of go-slow mode for a while.
Things aren’t going bad, they’re actually pretty stable so you know what that means … I’ve got a lot of time to start to wonder about when it’s going to GO bad. My sponsor always said that it’s our side of the disease that does that to us… Create an inherent anxiety over nothing that has happened as yet aka future tripping.
I often wonder if that ever gets any better. Can we train ourselves to nix the worry… While people have always touted the benefit of positive thinking somehow I’ve never been sold by the idea. I could never bring myself to look in the mirror and say positive things and feel like I would truly believe them or any of the other suggested reinforcement ideas.
I know in my case it’s always about missing “something”. I’m still missing something in my life and I don’t know what it is and I don’t know if I will ever find it. Anxiety seems to find a way to fill that empty space all the time.
I know I’m anxious about real things but also mostly about unwarranted things… All of which I cannot even control so it’s no use in being anxious about it because it’s all inevitable anyway if it really is meant to happen to me. If anything, fixating on all the anxiety probably makes me even more likely experience what I’m so afraid of… Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My birthday was this week I turned 33. So I’m not getting any younger. I’m no closer to being settled… Stagnant yes… Settled no. By settled I mean being happy and accepting with life… Whatever life is at this moment.
I know I still lack goals. I suppose a goal should be to find something else to fill the empty space so that the anxiety can’t do it for me. It still leaves me with the question of what that thing could be. I lack zeal in everything so I can’t think of anything that I would want to do in that way… But I want that if I reach 34 I won’t be feeling exactly this same way. I must achieve some difference by then and have found something that I can be interested in.
Goal#1: find something to be zealous about