Did you laugh today? 

Two days after my surgery someone messaged and asked how I felt and whether I was able to laugh as yet. I didn’t even consider it and just said yea things are normal. But then I realized a day later that I actually didn’t know… I hadn’t tried and when I did try I could barely get my muscles to co operate to bare my teeth let alone smile or laugh. 

I didn’t even miss it. I’d gone four days without physically being able to  laugh and it just hasn’t even registered. I’m not someone who usually laughs on a regular basis as it is.. I’m usually always in my room at home and not around anyone.. So it’s only if I am at either job then I would interact with people and possibly have reason to laugh… 

In general though I don’t think I’m someone that people would categorize as “someone who laughs”. I’m not a fan of comedies… Funny videos or clips on social media don’t interest me… And my interactions with people aren’t usually that relaxed to warrant laughing… My facial expressions have a short range from serious, angry or vaguely interested most of the time… 

For years as a child I hated my smile and even now I dislike it still. This is despite six years and thousands of dollars worth of braces to fix an overbite. The worst thing for me even now is having to do a photoshoot before we do a new theatre production. The poses and worse yet the smiling always seems so false and rigid to me while it’s often so effortless to all the other actors. 

I wouldn’t categorize myself as “ugly” but I wouldn’t say I’m “beautiful”… I’m alright. Doing a surgery on my face which has slightly altered it, while strange, didn’t make me feel like oh my god my face isn’t ever going to be what it was and I’m devastated… I just felt like well this is different and it doesn’t feel like me but I guess I will get used to it. 

Though the surgery was really on my nose all the surrounding nerves were affected so my mouth has actually been in more pain than anything else… The four top teeth to the front still hurt like a bitch. The thought of biting into anything is severely off putting still. The muscles were and still are a bit stiff I guess hence the non-facial movement. 

Today I could move my mouth a lot more and make some different faces. In a few days time it will be back to normal but I’m sure I won’t be laughing any more than usual. Some old habits are hard to break, new face or not. 

  

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