Influence 

Women have played an important role in my life with regard to people that I hold dear to me and whom I feel have truly influenced me…  

From my mother.. My great aunt.. My retired head of department … I have learnt the existence of the infinite nature of unconditional love, the straight and unrelenting course of responsibility and the far reaching depth of inner strength… 

It is amazing in itself that I have had so many female heroes to look up to. I can barely hope to emulate any of these in 1/10 to which it has been shown to me by these women. I can assure you, I have been an unworthy student of these powerful matriarchs. 

At a point now where I have to truly understand the self and what future I want for myself, I often feel lost. No longer able to rely on the excuse of youth as reasoning for not having direction in life, I find myself now just trying to be… stable? 

I feel like there is so much more that I could be doing though… Even though I don’t know what this “more” is specifically. Empower women worldwide? Volunteer to go to war torn countries or places stricken by poverty and give service? BE “present” more in my life?  

I know I always talk about not knowing my place in life… With no plans of marriage or children it can leave a single woman with a vast desert of a future before them, a void that society often insists cannot be filled unless in the role of mother and/or wife…  How do I create a forest of opportunity in the face of this desolation? 

It is also hard because I do not find any one thing and stick with it. I can’t find a center and like the great poem “the second coming” by Yeats… Things fall apart… 

Without a center I have disjointed ideas but no true framework of what I want my life to be. But how can this be? Three decades into my life yet I have not cemented myself as to who I am and what I want? How can this be especially when I have such great women to look to all of whom made definite decisions about their life (whether supported by others or not) and chose their paths unapologetically? 

I cannot continue to go foundering into the future. The importance of womanhood and being a woman may be highlighted today as it is International Women’s Day, but it is something that i struggle to comprehend every day. 

I want to be the woman that I believe I am supposed to be… One full of purpose… Believing in relying on strength within the self and free of fear. 

  

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2 thoughts on “Influence 

  1. Beautiful post. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your life will evolve as you do, and you’ll figure out what’s best. I have the same issue, even though I’m in a different stage of life. I’m an empty nester, and sometimes struggle with what I’m supposed to be doing. Your picture is gorgeous! Take care, Jenny

    Liked by 1 person

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