Well… This is new. What the fuck do I do now?! 

Since my boyfriend died 5 and a half years ago. I’ve been single. The thought of being in a relationship ever again is THE farthest thing from my mind. 

I can’t imagine answering “to” someone “as” their someone again. So, I’ve just never entertained the thought seriously and I’ve gravitated towards emotionally unavailable men so that I can be sure I have nothing to worry about. No one is going to fall in love. 

But I’ve met someone now whose not West Indian … He’s middle Eastern. (I don’t know… I think they build men differently over there). And he has me in a dilemma. 

I was upfront and told him I honestly was not looking for a relationship and he should probably go find someone else but his response was “take your time”. *umm…. Ok*… So we’ve only just been out on two “dates”… Sigh I don’t even want to say that word… But it went quite well actually. 

He seems hard working… Attentive… Gentlemanly… A genuinely nice guy (so far)  But of course it’s been so long for me I’m already feeling like this is too weird and do I even entertain this further. And also… Is any guy even really nice?

I’m already thinking he’s going to be either clingy and over bearing or turn into an A1 psycho soon. Because no guy could really be this “nice” and there not be some hiding issues. 

I don’t know if this is me being practical or me being fearful. Practical in that you can’t trust anyone nowadays because people are no longer trustworthy or honest generally … Or fearful that I don’t know how anymore to approach something that can turn into more than just casual sex with someone I can easily replace after a while. 

I may give it a few more dates and see how I feel but… This kind of intense dilemma was not the end of year I expected! 

  

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