Maybe I’m Waiting for Godot… 

I think when I first began blogging earlier this year (in April), it helped to lighten my mood. It was a catharsis of sorts that allowed me to let go of some of the baggage of my life. But as all new things, that feeling did not last for very long.

But now that the year has progressed almost to its end, I find I’ve regressed to the same place I usually am every year despite high points or seeming elevation. 

I think that it’s just a personality condition more so than necessarily environmental. “Happiness” has always been a fleeting emotion that I have never had any true affinity or connection to. 

Yet another year has gone by and nothing has changed really – the addict is still an addict, I haven’t felt any inclination to find some supposed “other” to have a relationship with, work is still as frustrating as always. 

Last year and most of this year until November I would write down one good thing a day that happened to me to try to have a year’s collection of memories at the end of it all. But I didn’t make it to the end of this year by November I gave up. I just had no zeal for anything anymore. 

I had a lot of performances aside from my regular everyday job so if anything I probably worked more than ever this year but that was about it. I saved a fair amount of money but I can’t say that I saved much memory or experience to carry with me past December 31st 2015. 

But that’s not anything new. I tend not to feel any connection to any year or its events, they all just go one into the next. 

I suppose it is because I am alone so there is no need to remember anything that happens because it wasn’t shared with someone/ others. Possibly it is like having no incentive. I don’t see the year as having been a failure but it wasn’t one of success either. 

I can’t say I’m looking forward to next year. I have no idea what I plan on doing to make it any different to the others – if that’s even possible. It all seems like a plateau at the moment where nothing truly begins or ends but just goes on in a continuous drawl. 

  

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