Home… The calm before the storm. 

They found the body of my friend three days after he had been missing at sea. I’m glad he can be brought home and the family given some sort of “closure”. 

But for those of us who have lost loved ones/ lovers before… We know the shit doesn’t really sink in until after the funeral. 

It is a fucked up way to end this year and start the next. Every year I’m saying good riddance to the year gone by… Will there be any year where the year’s end will arrive and I will actually feel a bit sad to see it go? Is there anything more to life other than loss? 

This is probably where I should feel like living each moment to the fullest is necessary or cherish everyone in your life before they’re gone or even life’s too short to be angry at events and people… 

But all I feel is tired. Tired of having to go through the same shit every year of a life that revolves around an addict, death of people and a general sense of failure. 

I’ve tried the daily motivational quotes, writing one good thing a day, taking a picture a day… Just about everything. But I haven’t found that “thing” just yet to really improve the mindset. I’m hoping that it comes as an epiphany in 2016 because right now I need it … 

  

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Bring him home

Events in life really make you question why things happen the way they do. You know there is no answer but you question it anyway. 

On December 26 someone I knew through my boyfriend years ago disappeared while swimming at his family’s beach house. Today December 28 he still has not been found. 

His family, wife and friends are still hopeful he will be found alive… Though deep down the ever present and increasingly resounding dread is there… That the more time has passed and the worse the weather has become that the more unlikely their wishes. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my boyfriend and when he died. His death was instant and he felt no pain… According to one coroner “he didn’t even know when he died”. Thank God for small mercies I suppose. But the end result is the same. He’s … Gone, Removed, Missing… Whatever you want to call it. Void. 

It still makes me mad… Why did he have to die… Why did any of them? My boyfriend… His friend… other friends we have had… All in their 20s / early 30s. They were all young full of potential good people.Why does this happen? 

The last few days have just been … Anxious and depressing. Scouring social media and the news for any updates but same result – nothing. No findings. I hope for everyone’s sake that they find him … Either by some miracle alive or if not… that there could be closure to some small extent. 

I think not knowing whatever happened to him would be the worst result. Forever having hope… Without any real answer. A Cruel punishment. 

The realities of life can be harsh. Especially when it involves death. You feel like no one else in the world understand your loss and everyone has moved on and forgotten your loved one except you. 

I have travelled that road and I am still travelling it. It is not easy. I would not wish it on anyone. There is so much pain to endure … Those left behind to mourn need strength. We all do. 

  

Goals… Or lack thereof. 

I think maybe my problem is that I have no… Goals. I think of life as being before my boyfriend died and after he died. 

Before he died I had already done so many things.. A degree, a masters, a post grad diploma… I already had a stable job while doing some of those things and still have that job now.

After  he died I just didn’t do anything. I work and I do performance/ theatre but… There’s no real “anything” outside of that. I work and that’s it. 

But I don’t feel to go back to school. I can’t focus on anything long enough for it to stick… I exercise off and on or would get interested in things for a month or two but… Nothing that really holds my interest. 

I’ve achieved things and now I have no real zeal or goal to work towards. So maybe that’s why I’m not really interested in anything at all. I haven’t found a goal to work towards now. 

I’m still trying to focus on finding good little things in each day much less trying to find a major thing to work towards. But since a new year is coming maybe I could think about finding something to work towards and see if that makes life seem more meaningful. 

  

Xmas 

Christmas time is always hard. My boyfriend and I would always celebrate Christmas BIG. Birthdays and Valentines etc. could pass by with just a dinner but Xmas was the BIG deal.

We would do 12 days of Xmas where you picked a mini gift from a stocking everyday for 12 days leading up to Xmas and then the opening of the main gifts on Xmas itself. After he died I think Christmas for me would have totally died too if not for his nieces and nephews. 

I continue the tradition of buying the six of them that live here gifts from the both of us (another three live away). Without them I probably would pay no attention to Christmas at all on the actual day. 

My family is huge so Xmas eve and Xmas day itself is spend visiting a lot of different households. While it is nice to see everyone I’m glad it’s a once a year affair. 

It gets tiring having to answer the same questions all the time, mainly – so you don’t have a new boyfriend YET?. But also everyone else my age is married or has children so they’re in a different stage in life (they’re yelling after husband or said children while I sit in a corner blogging poems and so forth).

Funnily enough every year I think JUST for a moment, maybe by the next year’s Xmas I will have someone to bring too. (LOL- never happens). 

I suppose Xmas really is for children so I don’t mind keeping it up for my nieces and nephews while they’re still young. But I do wonder if someday Xmas will mean more than that to me on a more personal level again.