Addict Journals cont’d – One day at a time is harder than it sounds…

Now that the addict is in rehab I should feel totally free and weightless… At least for the time that he’s gone. 

But there’s still anxiety. Worrying every time I hear a voice outside that it’s someone that he’s been owing money that has shown up unexpectedly to collect… Worrying if he will leave the rehab before the allotted time is up… Worrying that it will all go back to the same way on his return… 

I’m happy that he’s gone. Extremely happy. He’s out of my sight and I needed that. But it doesn’t alleviate the anxiety of what could happen. It makes taking One Day At A Time very hard… 

I think the anxiety is also linked to… Not knowing anything else. I can’t just be happy in the moment that he’s gone for a while. Even though I try to do relaxing things… I’m not relaxed. I’ve gone to get my nails done, ate sushi and drank wine while with a friend, went shopping, had sex… But nothing is “working”.

I don’t know if I would ever be able to just not be caught up in a vortex of stress and anxiety and if I’m not in it… I can’t deal with the calm. The calm just means some impending storm is on the horizon that I’m totally unprepared for.

Will I ever be able to accept that sometimes things are allowed to be ok? 

  

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