Addict journals cont’d…

Today the addict went into rehab. Again. He went to this particular one – 3 month time frame- before but many years ago. After that he went to one that was for a much shorter time frame -6 weeks – numerous times. 

I know theoretically you must think positively and whatever you put into the universe is what can/ will happen, but I can’t say I am genuinely optimistic. We’ve done this before and he has always gone because of something not due to his own feeling that he needs help and this time is no different. 

I’m honestly just glad to get him out of my sight for a few months. I really don’t want to see or hear anything pertaining to him right now. 

But now it’s just me and my mom alone and these people all know where we live. He claimed to have paid them all off before we dropped him off at the rehab yet a few hours after we get home a man arrive at our gate looking for him because he owed him money still. 

Who knows who else he may still be owing and if it’s even true or they just realize they can tell him any amount and he will pay it because he himself can’t be sure how much he’s been owing. Aside from which, who knows what harm could come of just us two alone here without him. 

It’s his selfish, arrogant, irresponsible behaviour that gets me the most angry. He expects everyone to just let him do whatever he wants and then bail him out when he can’t do it himself. He’s put us in danger and debt and there’s no guarantee that this stint at rehab will change anything. 

There’s so much pain and war and walk issues going on in the world. Our island is separate and away from much of that, yes there are major issues but nothing like that other places in the world experience. We have no reason to be unhappy… Yet I can’t see the happiness in any day. 

Every day is a constant anxious, stressed feeling and I’m just waiting for it to end. But then there’s a day after each day that ends. I’m always feeling tired. Tired of life. If I’m not tired I’m just angry. Angry at what my life has become. 

I see people fighting to stay alive in far off countries and I can’t understand why. I keep feeling like maybe the next year will bring something different that will change how I feel but it’s always the same. If my view does not change I don’t know how much longer I can stand being here.

  

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