Addict journals cont’d

It’s been hard to write lately because I’ve been so busy with work and my new play. It’s work in the day and then rehearsal into the night or as of last weekend the actual performances. 

This part turned out to be very different for me and seems to be the favourite of most of my friends when compared to the other ten characters I’ve done previously. I was not expecting people to like “her” this much. But the character is very draining emotionally and it’s a very draining play overall physically. So I’ve just been extremely tired overall. 

Additionally the addict has just gone right back to square one and is in total binge state and owing thousands for crack and shows no desire to get any better (as usual). So I’m tired and then I’m fed up of what is supposed to be home and not wanting to be here. 

He not contributing to the household or doing anything other than sleeping for a few days when he happens to be here. He’s serving no purpose to himself or others. He’s just incurring debt and putting us in danger when people come here looking for him to get their money. 

She got fed up and packed all his clothes in bags and told him he has to find somewhere to go. He’s been told that he had to find somewhere by the end of the month weeks now but of course did nothing about it and spent all the money on drugs anyway. 

Even though she’s told him to leave I still don’t think she realizes just how volatile or dangerous the situation we are IN really is. Drug dealers don’t care about families they care about their money and now they all know where we live and that there are no other males here. Aside from which it has gone on so long now where he had no boundaries that he’s just back to where he was years ago.

He’s not going to leave because he knows he can’t go anywhere else and get away with what he has been doing. I’m not going to be around because I have to work nights as well because of my play. I’m not able to focus fully on that because I will just be studying what’s going on home when I’m not here. 

I already don’t sleep as it is and suffer from all kinds of other stress related illnesses. I’m fed up of being sick. 

I’m fed up of everything being the same – argument, anxiety… It’s the same everyday. You worry when you not home or worry when you are home. Everyone else is going about living lives and we just here stuck in this cycle all the time. There’s no relief.