Today my sponsor (yes I have a sponsor even though I’m not an addict myself) called and asked me to speak to an addict so that he hears the feelings from the “child’s” perspective about how we feel when a parent is an addict.
- Fear. You never know want is going to happen what mood the addict is going to be in and whether he’s going to be aggressive or not
- Anxiety – the not knowing where he is and when he’s coming back and what’s going on when YOU’RE not there actually makes you physically sick – migraines / stomach disorder/ high blood pressure. You name it I have it.
- Resentment – for all the time I’ve been cheated in life from enjoying time with my friends because I had to hang around home to see what is going on, not ever being able to bring friends over because you don’t know what could happen, you just not being the parent figure and not being responsible
- Disappointment – everyone else has great families who do things together and spend time together and yet we are disjointed disfunctional all and distant to the point of no communication
And the main one
5. Anger. I am angry. I’ve been angry for years and I’m angry still now. No amount of rehab or meetings or talks can help you because you don’t want help. You’ve made my life this unmanageable chaotic terrifying experience and I hate you for it. I wish you would hurry up and die so that my life can finally get better. I don’t deserve this my mother doesn’t deserve this and I would never EVER get married / have kids because I am not doing this all over again because to me this is all that there is I don’t know any other life.
So that’s how I feel. And this is actually a lot better than I USED to feel. My own nar-anon meetings for family members and working steps has helped me to have some measure of basic “communication” now with the addict which was not present before though it is still tenuous. But I do not foresee it getting much better than this. I’m too old now and too fed up and tired of the same shit over and over again to care anymore.