Trapped

‘It’s been said that change is the only constant in life… So why is my life so… Stagnant’ … It was a thought that ruminated in her brain often. 

Change seemed to be happening to everyone else. The steady influx of daily life updates from friends on social media made sure to keep her informed of that. The slew of baby pictures, engagement announcements and progressive life information of her peers was overwhelming and defeating all at once. 

She felt rooted…she was still at the starting line while everyone else had made their own journey and crossed the finish line, arms raised: winners.  She could merely look on, a bystander to their joyous accomplishment: life. 

She would lie in bed at night… With that all too familiar ache in the very center of her chest. Deep and resonating… Her life was stagnant. The worst part of it was that she didn’t even know in what direction she wanted to go.

She wasn’t enamoured by marriage or even relationship… The thought of children seemed a decision that would be too large for her to ever definitively make even if she were to have a significant other… She didn’t know what her “dream” job would be in order to aspire to it… She had no direction. 

To stand still and have paths ahead of you and be confused about your options is one thing… But to stand still and have nothing but blank uncharted open space was quite another. 

She did not have the heart of an explorer. She was the pragmatic, organized planner not the adventurous dreamer willing to get lost in the throes of life. This knowledge crushed her very being. 

The darkness of her room settled around her in a pool of mocking shadows. Her breathing was shallow and laborious as she struggled with realizations. The drone of the fan’s motor merely punctuated the swirl of thoughts in her mind. She had never before felt so trapped in her own skin. 

  

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