I hate admitting I feel lonely. I don’t mind “alone” but lonely is a word I refuse to voice into existence. I feel weak and pathetic to entertain the idea that I need someone around … To make me feel better/ needed / loved…
There are so many theories about humans and that we are here to share our lives with others and find a partner. But those of us who can’t find this … Then what? Am I living outside human normalcy?
I feel like allowing myself to feel lonely would justify these theories… That I do need someone and that therefore I am lacking or incomplete because I can’t survive just fine on my own and I’m instead mired in sadness or frustration because of my life.
Although really whenever I state I’m alone it mostly means that I am lonely. I feel lonely all the time. I am a loner who does things alone but I also feel lonely. Even if I am around or with other people. It seems to be more quick snippets where I may become so busy or immersed in something that I may forget that I feel lonely but that’s a small percentage of experience.
It’s like walking around but being invisible. Oscillating amongst apps on your phone because there is no one really to actually talk to in person or via messaging. Trying to spend time sleeping so that you’re not up thinking about how lame you are by yourself while it seems everyone else in the world has someone else who wants to be with them and vice versa.
And the weird thing is that I don’t even think I really want anyone around all the time though. I like my space and I can’t imagine myself in a relationship at this stage where my time and space is not mine… So then why do I feel lonely? I should be glad that there isn’t another human around who I’m probably just going to get frustrated with.
I want to be ok with me and accept that even if there isn’t anyone else who will come along in life that’s fine. I want to get to a place where alone and lonely really do mean two different things and that I’m fine with being alone and not at all feeling lonely.