Being happy…

People have always made being happy seem so easy. But for me happiness has never been something that I have enjoyed in anything more than a fleeting embrace.

After wallowing in guilt, grief, self-pity (and many other such emotions) for the first 3 years after my boyfriend died, I finally tried to make a conscious effort to try to be happier. But even prior to his death (and the deaths of other close friends) I had never really been truly “happy”.

To some extent going to nar-anon family meetings aided in this attempt to find happiness since the positivity of group members started to rub off and my sponsor is very encouraging regardless of if I am working steps or not.

Last year I did the one picture a day challenge for the whole year as well as write down one good thing that happened everyday. This year I continued with the writing one good thing down that happened and if nothing really happened I would just put “relaxed at home”. I still love taking pics (as evidence by this blog) but it’s not necessarily done everyday.

But really it is effort. I wonder if it ever gets easier for people like me who’ve always found it hard to be happy with their lives even if things are going as good as can be. Or will I just always be anxious, angry, depressed about things that have or have not ( or have not even) taken place.

I feel like I always need to record events, read inspirational apps on my phone or keep busy for the rest of my life in order to escape the feeling that life is senseless. Being truly happy can’t be this hard.

I don’t know that there is any answer to what true happiness is but I know it isn’t this. The feeling is always so short lived – a perfectly good day could still lead to a dreadfully depressing night for no reason.

Today in a restaurant I heard a baby laughing. It was the purest, happiest sound – absolute joy in its utter abandon. A feeling I can’t remember really having. I wonder if I will ever experience it before my time here is done.

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