I’m at the point where I just don’t feel. As in… I don’t feel to talk about my addict or I don’t feel to talk about my depression or I don’t even feel to necessarily write.
The monotony of experience is one that always bothers me. Yet here is another year more than half way through… No closer to a relationship with someone or any idea of what else I want to do in life.
The only thing I’ve probably ever wanted to do otherwise was be a writer. Well, a published writer. I am nowhere close to that, this blog is the closest I’ve gotten to being a “writer” and it’s more a jumble of musings and ideas than something structured.
I hope that one day I will be able to do that… But then what will that leave me? I won’t know what to even look forward to try to do!
Everyone talks about so much opportunity in the world but being co dependent on a parent, suffering from anxiety, already rooted in a job for eleven years… Doesn’t exactly allow for the easiest of movement to “the world out there”.
I’m not young anymore. I didn’t have the knowledge or wherewithal when I was young to make the decisions I should have made back then that could have made my life so different. So I’m left where I am now, a bit regretful. Which isn’t to say it’s in a bad place, it could be much worse, but it… Feels mediocre.
And I don’t “want” mediocre. I want to feel zeal in my job everyday, I want to feel passion for some lover if I ever meet them, I want to feel excited to face everyday even though I didn’t migrate/ move anywhere. I want to be overjoyed in just being me and not settle for less than what I want.
I know it still comes down to acceptance. I need to accept who I am first before I can even begin to like, far less love, that person. But I still feel as if I’m waiting for something to “happen” … But maybe it’s happening all now and I’m just not capable of seeing it? I feel like I still need the veil to be lifted so that I can see the true meaning in why I’m alive and find the will to dream.