Monotony / Mediocrity 

I’m at the point where I just don’t feel. As in… I don’t feel to talk about my addict or I don’t feel to talk about my depression or I don’t even feel to necessarily write. 

The monotony of experience is one that always bothers me. Yet here is another year more than half way through… No closer to a relationship with someone or any idea of what else I want to do in life. 

The only thing I’ve probably ever wanted to do otherwise was be a writer. Well, a published writer. I am nowhere close to that, this blog is the closest I’ve gotten to being a “writer” and it’s more a jumble of musings and ideas than something structured. 

I hope that one day I will be able to do that… But then what will that leave me? I won’t know what to even look forward to try to do! 

Everyone talks about so much opportunity in the world but being co dependent on a parent, suffering from anxiety, already rooted in a job for eleven years… Doesn’t exactly allow for the easiest of movement to “the world out there”. 

I’m not young anymore. I didn’t have the knowledge or wherewithal when I was young to make the decisions I should have made back then that could have made my life so different. So I’m left where I am now, a bit regretful. Which isn’t to say it’s in a bad place, it could be much worse, but it… Feels mediocre. 

And I don’t “want” mediocre. I want to feel zeal in my job everyday, I want to feel passion for some lover if I ever meet them, I want to feel excited to face everyday even though I didn’t migrate/ move anywhere. I want to be overjoyed in just being me and not settle for less than what I want. 

I know it still comes down to acceptance. I need to accept who I am first before I can even begin to like, far less love, that person. But I still feel as if I’m waiting for something to “happen” … But maybe it’s happening all now and I’m just not capable of seeing it?  I feel like I still need the veil to be lifted so that I can see the true meaning in why I’m alive and find the will to dream. 

  

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One thought on “Monotony / Mediocrity 

  1. I feel like giving you a big hug right now!
    Sometimes we spend copious amounts of time yearning for a world we’d rather be in, where things we’d rather happen to us are coming to fruition and where we can carry all we want to have right here in our palms, but that dream then becomes an expectation we shouldn’t hold to have our past live up to. Your writings echo a mind so creative and passionate, it would be a waste to not see them go further. Life comes alive when you decide to live it in the present because thinking of what you should or could have just reminds you of what you don’t have now. A year’s halfway through – that means you have half a year more left! (I’m not sure that’s made you feel better, but you have talent and a will to grow – I hope you get something on your wishlist in the near future ❤ )

    Liked by 1 person

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