Ten years ago I had a brief relationship – the shortest of the three I’ve had. It lasted only 10 months (while the other 2 relationships were two years and on/off seven years long) but there was and IS still something about him… Or us… That has not died.
He was younger and my opposite in every way (and still is). I was a university graduate – he barely got high school passes, I had a job and was saving – he wasn’t into keeping a job/ sporadic with work and definitely never saved, I was serious and had plans for the future – his future was later on that day.
When I broke up with him I knew it was a real heart break for him because he loved me. He believed I left him for the person who became my long time (now deceased) boyfriend. But I don’t think I left him FOR someone else, I think I left him because love alone wasn’t enough for me… And I still don’t know if it is.
We’ve never left each other’s lives and I know that we still love each other. I’ve always felt that maybe in a different lifetime we may have been meant for each other. There’s love there but we just seem too different or always in different places, to ever make it work…
I’ve always had a fear (unreasonably so) of starving… Or not being able to provide. Not that I was ever poor, I had a decent middle class life. But I think I fear not being able to do as well, or better than my childhood was, for my own children if I were ever to have.
If I could’ve lived with him in a bubble – just us… Maybe it might’ve worked. But I was just too pragmatic/ organized/ type A? to believe that love would be enough even though we were both young at the time. I was always obsessed with the future and never able to be happy in the present – and it’s still that way.
I’ve always wondered if I made a bad choice and if I never really gave us a chance. Maybe my fate is that I’ve never met anyone by now or had children because I passed up on probably the truest “crazy” love I would ever come across in my life. I still wonder if it ever happened to me again… Would love be enough?