Musing… Again

I’ve always had a dilemma over the idea that whatever thoughts or “energy” you have is what you attract. I don’t think people just think hey anyone out there who wants to be a total ass come on over here by me. Yet it happens. 

You put yourself out there and try to honest or straight forward or just yourself when you may be considering looking for a significant other. But most people don’t really want those things even though they claim that they do. 

They want the games, they want to always be the one in control and they want to hurt others maybe because that’s how they are or because that’s how people treated them before so they’re doing it to others before it can happen to them again.

I’m not sure if it’s emotionally unavailable men, immature men or just maybe that all men are that way nowadays. But they all seem the same. It’s a game of shadows and pretense and always a situation that ends up in confusion, anger or just hurt. 

And the stranger thing is that I still feel when I meet a new one maybe it would be different. Because inevitably although I try to do and be all the things they may want… You can’t hide your true self. Not for long. And it always ends up that the real person is not what they want. 

And my true self is not the – I’m not going to message you at all and only wait till you message me self, or the make him take me out on a set of dinners / dates and spend a lot of money before I decide what I’m doing with him kind of self, or the lie to him about the fact that I write/ read books/ watch old movies because it’s probably going to be seen as lame self.

I’m not a teen or even in my twenties anymore. I’m in my thirties, with a job trying to save for a house I will probably never afford on my own, with a lot of life’s baggage that is hard to explain to anyone much less have them “accept”, with a lot of ideas and thoughts and no one to tell because I’m alone. 



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