I realized I just started blogging and never really gave any intro as to who I was/ why I was writing. Throughout a number of blogs I suppose followers could piece it together. But today I was thinking … Why DID I start blogging?
I’ve always wanted to write. But aside from writing some poetry off and on when I was a teenager I had really just dispelled the idea over the past decade or so. Difficult to publish… Who even reads poetry/ short stories… Do I even have anything interesting to say?
Then. Real life happened. My father’s crack cocaine addiction spiraled out of control, my boyfriend died, friends died, my depression got worse, my behaviour became more irrational… I just was not ( and still not ) in a good place.
When a friend of mine suggested I blog it was a spur of the moment conversation while waiting for a movie to start. I had never heard of WordPress but he downloaded the app to my phone and I began.
I had no idea what the blog was going to be about or if I would even keep it up. That was April of this year and so far I’ve blogged daily even if it’s not necessarily a lot.
At first I wasn’t sure how personal or truthful I would be but I suppose it’s easier to be that way here because there’s a screen separating you from people. Also only a handful of people I really know follow me so I suppose the pressure of judgement about your life from people who know you is less?
It’s become a creative outlet… A calming measure… A place to let thoughts out without necessarily having to “tell” it so however it comes out it just … Is.
But it’s also been a learning process. Reading the blogs of others, people who have similar anxieties, depressive episodes… I’m not alone. Gaining creative ideas here is also inspiring as there are so many different writing styles.
I never thought I would have followers I just figured I would write till I ran out of things to say. Some have described it as a catharsis given everything that has happened in the past few years.
Deciding to look within and face insecurities, flaws, truths about myself and voice them has been a necessary process. It’s been a greater awareness of my feelings of self worth (or lack) and questioning destructive behaviors I engage in.
I don’t know if my blog will always continue along this vein or if it will change, morph, mutate as my life goes along. But I’m happy that I started it.
Maybe one day I will be able to write: I’m ok now – and it will be true.