Sex complicates everything. I’ve been able to easily separate sex and love (even like) for most of my life. It is very easy for me to have sex with someone and have it be more of a matter of fact transaction of sorts.
I can easily have desire without much of anything else. The death of my boyfriend probably only made it worse because I don’t really want to be close to anyone or be in a relationship in that way again. I used to be someone in long term monogamous relationships and now I’m the opposite.
This doesn’t mean I don’t want to change. I’ve tried to change. I’ve even considered going to church more, libido suppressant or a pilgrimage or sabbatical type sort of thing. Something or anything to control the overwhelming urge that blocks out everything else.
Women are always judged for being forward and predatory. It is scary at times (for want of a better word) how much it’s like a switch is turned on and how hard it is to ignore it once I have a partner. Sometimes I feel like it’s not normal and maybe something is wrong with me. Or maybe my catholic background is playing on my conscience… I’m not sure.
Ideally I would wait till I get into a relationship (which I have no plans on) and I tell myself no sex unless that happens. But somehow my plan goes awry and everything goes haywire when I set sights on someone of interest – then the game starts.
What starts out as exciting conquest tends to end up in eventual boredom or more often than not me not being satisfied in the long run. It’s like an animal hunting prey but you’re not really hungry so you kill it, play with it but then leave it there because you’re not really hungry just testing skill. I like the hunt but not necessarily the food..
I’ve had people tell me I’m like a man and I don’t behave the way a woman “should”. Maybe that’s so… Something isn’t wired the way it should be or some early conditioning went wrong who knows.
I don’t feel I should have to apologize for liking sex or a range of male “interests”. But I do feel like the way it can consume me after the initial meeting with someone is not exactly how things should be. It’s still a struggle even with the awareness of the behaviour to control it. This amounts to me staying at home most of the time and trying to stay out of trouble (but trouble always finds me).
I’m hoping that one day I can at least sedate the beast I feel prowling back and forth inside of me and feel like I’m in control and not always expectant of a new hunt.