Tightly locked box. 

I’m not a big sharer when it comes to how I feel. I have always felt it is weakness to let others see you in that way. So I tend to just keep things in. 

When my boyfriend died 5 years ago I had performances to do that weekend we have no understudies so I had to get onstage for two nights and pretend I hadn’t in some way died when he did. I remember calling one friend a few days later and I was crying and I remember how disgusted I was with myself after. 

Earlier this year I had a HUGE fall out with my addict – like it was EPIC. It was the only other time I called someone crying and again I felt angry at myself after and have never forgiven myself. 

I feel like it shows I can’t deal with what’s going on. When people come to me with problems I would listen and give advice but it’s not something I tend to do IN the moment or at least not in seeking advice about it more like commentary in a “this happened the other day but whatever” type of way.

As a child and even more so now I’ve only liked action movies… Mad max, Rambo , rocky , universal soldier( one day I will dedicate a blog to my obsessive love for Sylvester Stallone who I will marry in my next life 💞 but I digress) and even now I like strong, fighters, army / military type shows. If I lived in America I would probably be an army wife. 

Since I’ve never been physically strong (I’m 110 lbs wet now at 32)  I suppose I always resorted to being seen as especially rabid in personality. My students have been known to refer to me as a Drill Sargeant. 

I don’t know if this has somehow closed me off to people. I feel I am open and straightforward but I continually realize just how little about who I really am people know even if they are around me every day. Anger is my easiest emotion even over happiness and never sadness.

No one wants anyone to know that they can’t seem to handle life and experiences. This blog is the closest to display of truth I’ve had about my life and who I am. I was already the not so pretty one, the dark skin one, the not as bright as the others one, I didn’t want to be the weak one too. 

  

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3 thoughts on “Tightly locked box. 

  1. Thanks for sharing with us! It must have taken a lot of guts to climb on that stage after your boyfriend had died. I would have hid in my room for eternity. You are someone who is brave! I agree that nobody wants to be seen as weak no matter how sad and terrible the situation. Kudos to you! Someone who stayed brave through tough times! I’m sure your boyfriend would have been proud!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You don’t have to move on if you don’t feel like you can! I’m sure the people who say it’s time to move on don’t understand what it feels like to loose someone you love with all your heart. 5 years may seem like long enough for others but to you I’m sure the pain will stay with you. Stay strong!

        Liked by 1 person

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