We’re not an emotional family… unless we’re angry. My father knows nothing about computers so I’ve no fear of him reading my blog, but I did have reservations because I knew my mother would read it.
This blog is probably the most honest I’ve been about how I feel about life and myself … I worried about how she would feel reading it. She read my earlier entry “thoughts” today and she told me it made her feel sad.
I never want her to feel sad which is why she’s probably never known how I’ve felt all of these years. She’s a great person and the best mother ever and ended up with an addict for a husband and well… Me.
I’ve had many ( too many to count) depressive episodes where I seriously considered ending my life. She was the only reason I didn’t because I would always think about how sad she might be. I’ve always been good at hiding how I feel (lying?) and she never likes to believe anything else is wrong with me other than the common cold.
But I’m not normal. I know I don’t feel the way I should and while my moods have been on the better side lately the last few days were a reminder of just how low I could feel for no reason. And it is lonely when no one else understands how it feels.
I’ve blogged with the hope that it makes me feel better because it’s no longer just all in my head. I want to be better so she won’t be sad.