I’m an over thinker. I over think and then gravitate to whatever is the negative result. Today I suffered from a bit of miscommunication (?) from my latest guy.
It’s casual. Not a serious relationship. He suggested wanting to try something (fantasy oriented) which I wasn’t mad at but I immediately thought… Ok he’s bored with me… He knows I’ve had a dark? Colourful? Past so he wants to capitalize on it.
I wondered what I had done, what I hadn’t done, why hadn’t I done something differently. Then I thought… Why don’t I just ask him. Of course I felt I was setting myself up for an answer I might not want to hear but better to hear it now than later.
But when I spoke to him I realized (like most men…) He was just voicing a fantasy but had no expectation of it taking place if I was not comfortable with it and seemed totally surprised I had had any thought otherwise.
Of course… he hadn’t checked his phone till an hour after I sent my questions about his motives so I had an hour to think all sorts of huge and horrible things without having even spoken to him.
Why is communication so hard? Is it that we fear the truth in the event it does not reflect what we want? Is it that we assume the person is going to lie anyway? Do we bring past experiences into the present which make it hard for us to take things for what they are?
It also highlighted to me how much I still attach negative thoughts and feelings about myself to situations and why I’m still not ready to fully engage any real relationship. Im still too mistrustful and carrying too much baggage from previous situations to just go with the flow or say what I really want.