I suffer from a relentless case of polycystic ovaries with rare ovulation (once a year if so much) and irregular cervical cell growth (surgical procedures have not improved it). Which in laymans terms means – likelihood of no babies – ever.
I’ve known this for half my life so I’ve had time to think and process and try to accept (amidst medication, procedures and checkups). But I don’t know if you ever really truly accept that fate.
People’s social media feeds are full of their own families and children they’ve been able to have. People who don’t know the situation keep asking if you plan on trying (with whom I also don’t know). Society on the whole firmly connects womanhood with bearing children and you are somehow broken / damaged if you can’t.
Every time I look down at my empty stomach the word “barren” echoes in the far recesses of my mind. I wonder if my past sins / transgressions have caused this to be my penance – unfulfilled, not whole, longing.
Of course I’ve thought maybe it’s just not for me I’m not the mothering type or the world is over populated anyway or if I would ever be ready to change my life so drastically anyway. But I don’t know that I truly believe any of these.
Granted my doctor has far more hope than I do that there is still a chance but at 32 with no boyfriend and no sign even if ever having a false/ past pregnancy, it’s pretty unlikely to occur now even if the opportunity arose.
We always have an idea of our lives turning out a certain way and as time goes by and these things don’t occur as you had planned you either give in to defeat or somehow accept and persevere.
I’m still on the fence…